It's been over 4 months since the break up, and I still struggle with the sad. I don't go around crying all the time, just sometimes when I'm alone because I miss the relationship. I know that it's over, and I have done the letting go thing. I haven't contacted him, and I haven't wanted to. After my last post, I did email him all the things that I needed to say in order to have closure for me. I didn't expect that he would respond, but he did. However, there was no apology or accountability for any of his actions. He only told me all the things that I shouldn't do the next time around and then said that I had now said pages and pages of things and although I was welcome to continue to send him messages, he would no longer be replying because he had no more time for such things. Somehow I had become a total inconvenience in his life. After that it was easy not to contact him or want to fix things, but it hasn't stopped me from missing what I thought we had.
But therein lies the problem, right? What I thought we had and what was most likely the reality ended up being two very different things. I like to think of myself as a realist and yet, I wanted things to be one way so badly, that I was blinded to what was the truth. I really loved that guy. I loved what we had and the things that we did together. I loved him so much that I projected what I thought could be as the truth. I'm not sure I was ever really his priority. It was all when it was convenient for him and what he wanted instead of the true partnership I hoped for.
I'm trying to move on and stop crying in the alone times of my life. I've joined some dating sites, but so far they are more of an anxiety-producing activity than anything else. I went out on one date super quickly after I joined, but it was a disaster. The guy turned out to be for everything I'm against fundamentally as a person. I tried to quit the site, but it was past the 3 day cancellation time. A friend suggested I be super strict with my parameters, so I've buckled down a bit.
I have been communicating with a couple of guys. It's either really slow going or they want to exchange numbers right away, which I'm not wholly comfortable with. I'm trying to be chill about the whole thing, but I have had to ask others for advice. And sometimes the anxiety about it all gets to me. I went to my acupuncturist the other day and she couldn't believe how bad my shoulders, neck, and upper back were. As she was putting about 100 needles into my back making me a human pin cushion she asked if I could not work out as much. I said it wasn't working out, but the anxiety about the break up and being able to move forward that had me all bunched up. Of course, then I just started to cry one of those horrible ugly cries. Then she left me all snotty and sans a tissue. I'm supposed to have been relaxing when I couldn't move without sending my needles into stabs of pain while my snot pooled onto the floor below the head doughnut.It was not a pretty site!
I wish I could say that I am able to relax into the whole dating situation, but I just feel so messed up from the break up still. If I was the best relationship he ever had and yet he still wouldn't choose me even though I wasn't really asking for that much, how can I ever be what someone would want or need? Obviously I've been broken up with before, but the thing that makes this one so different is that the things that I cannot change about myself is what he said were wrong with me. My anxiety is so off-putting; my questions were overwhelming. Not saying this is what I deserved or that it's a good thing, but I can get that you leave me for someone else and you are moving on much better than in the end someone attacking the things that are my greatest weaknesses. I get that my anxiety can be hard to take at times, but if I could control it, believe me I would. When it gets to the point it was when I felt like I had nothing else that would help but to write about it was because the one person who had always claimed to be on my side was, as it turned out, not really ever on my side, I am sure that the anxiety was off-putting. But I still don't understand why he couldn't talk to me.
My friends tell me, and sometimes I tell myself the same thing, that it was all just an excuse to leave. He was just looking for a way out and I provided a big open door by blogging and going into a manic anxiety attack. I know I'll never know the real answers, and I have to go with what my gut says, which is usually always right. I worry when I write these blogs that it sounds like I am just full of self-loathing. I'm not. I certainly doubt my ability to have a successful relationship, but I still love myself. If you've met me, you know that I am a super perfectionist. I always tend to see the things that need improvement rather than celebrating all the good things about myself. I am a nice and good decent person. I love fiercely and am incredibly loyal. But at the same time I know that these things can be too much at times. I know that anxiety can take over, and I can become easily overwhelmed and seem manic. These are things I can't really change about myself. I can do things to make them less and believe me I have mellowed with age, but there will more than likely be times when they will surface again.Will there ever be someone that can see past these small events that seem large at the time? Or in the end will I end up exhausting anyone who sticks around for a longer period of time?
Today, I am just struggling with the grief of it all. I made it through the holidays, but it doesn't mean that there weren't tears shed in the bathroom or alone in my bedroom every day. There are most definitely times when I would still go back to him. I know that isn't the right answer and I shouldn't want it, but I loved him. A year ago we were skiing together and I just remember feeling so in love and happy. Of course, it was on that ride home that he asked me what I really wanted out of the relationship and I answered about the ring and having our family and friends more connected and it all went downhill from there.
So I will try to end on a positive note by saying that there are some nicer possibilities in the online dating world, and I will try to be open and chill about the experience. I will try to put myself out there, but sometimes I hate every second of it and just want to go back to a year ago and kept my mouth shut!
Here's to trying again in the New Year!