Thursday, October 20, 2011

A Man of My Own (This Time Without the Question Mark)

My guy and me.
 I am hoping he won't freak out too much that he is appearing on my blog! : )

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote two entries about my own desires and questions about my relationships with men. I have thought about and processed out pretty much all of my questions and complaints in this past weeks.
It really helped that my current dating guy read my blogs and actually wanted to talk about things with me. He had some questions as well as insights. We also joked a little about the commitment phobic comment, which he didn’t actually deny. He liked that I had mostly nice things to say about him. It is true I admire him very much and find him to be quite an honorable person. And of course, the nice part is that he actually brought it up and we talked for a long time until the subject seemed resolved. This is not something I have experienced in the past. Mostly for me if things start to go south or even a little off skew, then the man just walks away, usually degrading me as part of the process, blaming me for any of the relationship’s downfalls. (Remember I have said that I do take responsibility for any part I may have played in a relationship’s demise, but there are always two people in a relationship with at least two sides to every story.)
We talked about that other guy from the dream a bit. I really do think that dream guy (Please note: that this is simply a distinction of him appearing in my dream rather than that I actually believe him to be the man of my dreams.) is not the right match for me. It is not to say that he is not a nice person. I just think we live in two different worlds and come at life from very different perspectives and perceptions. My current dating guy’s question was why I am even interested in this guy if I feel that he isn’t the right one. That really is a tricky question, and I think it goes back to the root of many of my man problems. The answer I gave to my guy is that it ends up being about loyalty really. Here is this man with whom I have a past and some of that past was quite nice, so I actually feel a bit of obligation to try to make things work out simply because he shows interest or acts like I should be part of his life. I have done this with other men in my life, and I can’t help but wonder if much of it doesn’t stem from that ever present father/daughter relationship which revolves around the same principles of obligation and misplaced loyalty. Should I be interested simply because he asks? Should I jump simply because he says to jump? Or should I stop and question whether it is healthy and beneficial for both of us to be in a relationship together? I need to be asking myself does he deserve to be with me rather than wondering if I deserve to be with him, to which my answer almost always seems to be no. I need to start feeling deserving of love in a relationship; that I am just as worthy to be part of the couple as the man is.
Then my guy and I talked a lot about that dream in which dream guy appeared. My guy said that he is hearing from me a lot about a need for safety and security in a relationship, which I think is spot on. Current dating guy is quite the perceptive fellow! I often times find myself just waiting for the other shoe to drop in a relationship. I don’t usually feel safe and secure that there will be more than just another month or so of time for the relationship to last. I like to know that whomever I am involved with wants to be invested in me and wants to be with me for me as I am, not constantly wanting to change everything about me.
I said to my guy, “How do I know that you are not going to see someone else walking down the street and think, ‘oh yeah, she’s the one for me!’ and off you will go.”
 He asked, “How is that any different than if we were in a ‘committed’ relationship? I could go right now and do that, but I have no desire to do any such thing.”
My reply, “Of course, you are right. I mean, we have both been married and stood up in front of God and everybody and said those vows promising all those things, and yet we both know that doesn’t mean anything for anything if the person you are with didn’t really mean those things when he/she stood up there and said those things with you and supposedly to you.”
I just feel that the way we have things and the way we feel about each other is the best it can be and works the best for us. We don’t have to speak everyday or see each other every day to know that we still care very much about each other and want to spend time with each other when we do have the chance. When the free time comes around, for the most part we are the ones each other chooses to be with outside of family and other close friends that are the same as family. I do love his boys very much, but I have no desire to try to blend families, and he feels the same. That just seems like a whole lot of work. Why can’t we just enjoy each other and each other’s kids when it works for schedules and other times as we can arrange them?
At the end of the discussion, we both agreed that we were on the same page. My guy is still reluctant to say certain words or make any promises of what the future might look like. I really don’t care. He knows that I love him and that he is the one that makes me happy. Maybe that is just my job right now to love and just let it be. I do feel safe with him and want to be with him when I have the time for a date. He is one of my best friends.

He was joking about the Jerry McGuire quote of “You complete me.” I said I didn’t believe in that quote.  Instead I brought up one of the quotes from the end of Band of Brothers. If you have seen the miniseries, you may recall at the very end when Major Winters is doing a voice over of what ended up happening to many of the men of Easy Company when they returned home from the War. When he tells about his good friend, Captain Louis Nixon, he says that after the war he returned home to work for his father’s company, but struggled with alcoholism and a broken first marriage. Then one day he met a woman named, Grace, and it all came together for him. I said that was maybe what it was like for us. That we had to have all of our previous experiences to make us complete all by ourselves so that when we came together as a couple it all just came together. We don’t need someone else to make us whole, we need someone else to compliment us, make us better, and bring out the best in each other.

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