I have been wanting to get back to blogging for a long time now, but I wasn't expecting it to be several posts within a couple of days. I have had such an outpouring of support and love from all of you; I felt like I needed to write a follow up post.
First, I want to thank those of you who have commented on the blog, on Facebook, sent me texts, and Messengers. I have seen some of you in person and have received nothing but love. I can't even tell you how much all of that means to me. You are all so important and special to me in so many ways. I have heard from people I haven't seen in years to people I just saw today. I feel truly blessed to be surrounded by such an amazing plethora of love and encouragement.
I love that you have all turned into cheerleaders for my self worth. I have always struggled with feeling anything more than adequate, so this is nothing new. I will continue to work on this, but my questioning if I am really worthy of something better is not a recent occurrence. Given my track record, especially in the realm of relationships with the opposite sex, it is something I come by honestly. I had a dad who has never said he was proud of me and a stepdad who was verbally abusive, both alcoholics. My track record with men has been less than stellar. I have experienced a string of alcoholics, cheaters, liars, and those who had less than good intentions. I once saw the actress, Ellen Burstyn, on Oprah. She said she was a magnet for the wrong guy. She could stand in a room of 100 men. Ninety nine of those men could have been saints, and she was going to attract the one alcoholic beater in the room. I feel the same way about myself. If left to my own devices, I'm going to keep choosing the same unsavory character as if I'm still trying to work out that part of my childhood, even though I've gone to counseling twice (once in college and once during my divorce). Remember that my sister pointed me in the direction of my guy. They had worked together and she knew he was different than the string of my own choices.
This relationship has been the healthiest one I've ever had. Have there been problems? Yes, of course. I think that happens anytime you put two people together. There are things about this guy that infuriate me, as I am sure there are things about me that infuriate him. However, in general there have been more good times than bad. He has treated me well for the most part. Are there areas for improvement? Again the answer is yes, but I could improve in ways as well.
Many of you have said to listen to my heart and I will know what to do. The problem is that I don't know. I still really miss my guy. I do actually love him and enjoy being around him. I pointed out some of the commonalities in the past post, and I think generally that we made a good pair. And again, I think this is probably as good as it's going to get for me. I don't think settling for the best relationship I've been in is selling myself as short as it may seem. I don't believe in Prince Charming for me. My sister was able to break free of our dad past and found the most amazing man, but I have yet to get there and where I look out from life, I just don't foresee that happening for me. My guy and I have a relationship that for the most part works for us, at least 70% of the time, so why can't we reach consensus? At the end of the day, the things that seem to have driven us apart are not deal breakers. Why can't we make this work?
The answers to these questions are still elusive, which is why I have so many questions. I still feel that getting answers is probably unlikely. I have been shut out of my guy's life lately. I am trying to stay out of it as he has said he needs some space. I have become overwhelming with my amount of questions, and his work has gotten to be a burden. I totally get that if you really want to be in someone's life, you will be. There are things lately that have lead me to believe, this really won't last or work out. I also totally get that I'm allowed to want things for myself in a relationship, and I shouldn't apologize for wanting these things. I get that I don't have to be part of a couple to be whole, although it is nice when it is working well. It's one of those niceties in life versus a necessary. I did actually try to end things with my guy back in July when it seemed that he really didn't want the things that I wanted. I felt at peace about it and was ready to move on all by myself. However, we had a meeting, and he said he wanted the things that I wanted. He even brought up the possibility of a ring recently, which had previously been completely unthinkable for him. So why all the sudden changes? That's where most of the questions have stemmed from, but now he won't communicate and says he's not the guy for me. Again, I totally get that I shouldn't and don't want to be in someone's life who doesn't want me there or who doesn't want to be there for me. I do get all of these things.
But what if....
What if we could hit the reset button and create a different future together? Wouldn't that be ideal? I would do that. I would be willing to compromise or collaborate or work towards that 70% consensus rule. Couldn't we work towards finding peace together? If we could both give and take, wouldn't that be the ideal ending or new beginning? I would really like that. I really hate the thought of giving up without even trying. I thought we were trying to work things out, but then it ended abruptly. I didn't want to keep doing what we were doing, but I was trying to work the problem, not just have it be over.
Just so you all know, the answer to all of these questions is most likely moot at this point. In going public and sharing with more than one person, I have broken one of his cardinal rules. I have no idea if he has read any of this. I am sure that he will eventually, and when he does, he is not going to be pleased. He doesn't want struggles to be public, and he fears embarrassment and loss of credibility. He will see all of this as a breach of those things. I am sure that I have already sealed my own fate. Again, I totally get that I shouldn't want to be with someone who tries to control what I say or do.
I do know all of these things, and yet remain undecided. I guess I would just like a chance to try to make things better. Then if after we've tried a new plan and feel like we've exhausted all possibilities, things are still not going to work, then we can say at least we tried. Again, I don't know. I think he would say he did try things, and I asked too many questions. I really am at a loss, thus the blogging! : )
I love all of you for lovingly reminding me of all the things I have had questions about. I do so appreciate all of you. Maybe I will continue to make the time to write about things that are not as heavy-hearted!