As a student of my own life, I am trying to learn as much as I can about this topic because I feel like I don't know. I know that Elsa had to change her mindset after realizing that isolating herself on a mountaintop really wasn't going to serve anyone, not even herself. It can be nice to retreat away, but in the end we all have to figure out how to function with others. She had to change her mindset of thinking her power to turn things to ice and snow was a curse to something that could be beneficial for herself and others. The true love of her sister was the catalyst that helped her to see the good in her powers. So I am working on no longer wallowing around in my own grief and pain and taking this opportunity to do a couple of things: celebrate what we had, celebrate who I am, and figure out what the next steps are.
I still think that there was more good than bad, but in the end it was the bad that won out even if it was in the minority of the issues. (That stupid 70% rule again!) I suppose that's how it goes a lot of the time. Sometimes we get so caught up in the paper cut on our one finger that we forget that the rest of our hand is perfectly fine and functional because even though it's small, that paper cut really hurts! I do really miss him, but am wondering if I am once again the victim of hoping for more than he was ever willing to give. I am really good at projecting what I hope someone could be more than who they want to be. So let's start with all the things that were great about that relationship. Until the past couple of months, I thought we were really connected. We are both educators in some way, and it was always nice to be able to speak education-ese together. We had a favorite band, Switchfoot, that we followed. I enjoyed going to those concerts together; it was always a special bonding time. We did karate, church, and many outdoors activities together like skiing and hiking. He was kind and complimentary. There were many times when I needed to just talk about something, and he was good at listening without interruption. I always liked after one of these times when he would ask if I wanted him to do anything to help fix the situation or had I just needed a listening ear. We shared many great experiences and went to some incredibly fun events together. I really am going to miss all of those things. The beauty of our relationship was that it was not a traditional relationship, which I am not very good at maintaining. We didn't live together; we weren't planning to get married. We saw each other when we could, and we seemed to be able to make up our own rules for the relationship, at least until recently. I honestly thought we would be able to go the distance since it was such a free-formed relationship.
I know some of you have been worried about me and my ability to like and accept myself. While I do admit to feeling sad and lonely right now, I do know how to be alone, and it really isn't a problem for me. I don't need a man to make me feel complete. I do like having someone with whom I can spend some time, but that's just a perk to
life. I've been divorced for 10 years now, and it's really been 11 since I have been on my own. Before that, I was on my own for many years. I like my space. I have no desire to have someone come move in with me. I really don't think I ever want to be married again, and that certainly was not something I was asking for in the last relationship. I just wanted someone who would include me in all aspects of his life and that maybe someday might consider giving me a ring as a symbol that we were committed to each other. It didn't have to be expensive or even a diamond. It could have cost $10 for all I cared. I just wanted that small material token. In the end, I don't think the ring was the deal breaker. Aside from the blogging, which I think has become the convenient excuse and reason to vilify me, I think I know what the deal breaker was for him, but he won't confirm that, and it really is something too private to share here. My head knows that this relationship has run its course, and quite honestly if someone else was telling me this story, I would tell them it's time to let go. However, my heart is still not there yet. I am getting better each day, but the thought that I won't have that closeness I once shared with this person has really broken my heart. I think I may have hoped for too much that he wasn't willing to give.The hardest part for me is not wanting to ever give up, but knowing that he gave up on me, on us, is what hurts the most. I don't ever want to give up on someone that I truly love, but there comes a time when you realize that nothing you can say or do is going to make one damn bit of a difference. In fact, the more I have tried to make things better or work them out, the more he has retreated away until now he won't even communicate with me by any means, which in itself becomes a form of communication.
So, where do I go from here? If he came back tomorrow and said he would like to fix things, I think I would still do it. I think there are things like my mindset that I would be willing to change. I think there are things that I can still work on to be better at within a relationship. I have offered to change things about myself that are worth changing because we all have areas that need work; I have offered forgiveness; I have offered apologies; I have offered to look at things and approach them in a new way; I have given space; I have tried to communicate; I have asked questions; I have offered solutions; I have asked what he wanted; and none of those has been the right thing. At one time, it was possible to work on whatever needed to be worked on with this person, but now it is a total shut out. There will be no fixing of any more light bulbs; we are apparently going house shopping! (See quote to the right if you are confused.) The likelihood that he would ever even want to speak to me again is pretty slim, and his responses to things like I miss you or you are losing me have not been anything close to reciprocal;even I love you is met with nothing. So it is time to forge a new path. I am not wishing this person ill-will. I wish he would have been more open-minded and truthful about what he really did or did not want or what he was willing to give or not give emotionally within a relationship, but there is no point in dwelling on what we wish for rather than what is. What was it Richard from Texas said to Elizabeth Gilbert in Eat, Pray, Love? Oh yes, "You have to stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone ought to be."
So here I am ready to tackle the unknown and let this one go. It's funny as word has gotten out that I may be available how people like to help out! The other night at karate, I was talking to a dad of one of our younger students. This guy is a big, burly soldier who has admitted that he doesn't talk to civilians much, but he likes to talk to me. He can't ever imagine anyone not liking me or ever being mean to me. This was all said without knowing what is going on. I said something like well funny you would say that right now because I'm pretty sure there is at least one person out there who is not so enamored with me. I filled him in that the guy I've been dating had broken up with me. He then asked if I would like it if he fixed me up with one of his soldiers. I was a little non-committal as I am not really ready to start dating again, but I said he could keep an eye out. He said he would and then added that if I did start dating one of his soldier friends, he would kick his ass if I was ever mistreated by one of his people. It was cute and somewhat scary all at the same time! We'll see what happens. You know that other thing Richard from Texas said as he was leaving the ashram and reminding Elizabeth Gilbert to find someone else to love someday, "Sometimes the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else." Oh dear! I'm not ready for that yet, but it does make bring a smile to my face, which is a step in the right direction towards letting it go!