The Attribution Theory

One of the Love and Logic techniques that I have had wild success with Hannah is The Attribution Theory. It is something that is so simple, at first you think it cannot possibly work, but I have found that it does! If you have a student that is just not performing to his/her potential in school, this is a gem that is worth the try!

When your student brings home papers from school, hold up the paper and point to the ones he/she answered or did correctly. (Jim Fay even says to have the student cut all the wrong answers off the papers. I have never actually done that part, and the theory has still worked fine.) Then you ask, "How Come?"

The student then has one of two choices for the answer.

• I am getting smarter.
• I am trying harder.

That's it. Then you are done. It really is that simple. What ends up happening is the student begins to attribute the getting smarter or the trying harder with the correct answers or correctly doing his/her work at school.

The other thing Jim Fay says about the wrong answers, because it is our tendency as parents to want to fix that, is that is not our job. It is the teacher's job to work on getting the correct work out of the student, not the parent's, so don't stick your nose into that piece.

With Fred's troubles at school lately, I have really amped this up. Not only am I doing it with papers returned home, but I made him a little sign with it for his desk. One of the troubles he is having at school is lack of interest and then he just doesn't want to do the work. In other words he is bored and just doesn't want to do work that seems boring to him. Some of it is that teaching strategies need to be looked at, which will happen later this week. And some of it is that he just needs to put on his big boy pants and know that this is what happens at school. Not every assignment or activity is going to be the most interesting or fun thing you have ever done in your life, but you still need to sit down, get it done, and listen to your teacher.

I added some pictures to help with inspiration. Next to "How fast can I get this done?" I put a Star Wars picture of Qui Gon Gin and Obi Wan Kenobi with their light sabers out looking like they are going fast. Next to "My job is to be the best student I can be!" I put a picture of a superman type. Although Fred informed me that is not the real superman! But he did say it was close enough!

All of this and extra encouragement seems to be helping with Fred's school disinterest. We have had more good days than bad lately and a lot less whining! (Thank the Lord!) He excitedly tells me that he is getting smarter or trying harder for numerous things. I do it with all of his papers as well as just general behaviors and such. When he says that he did an assignment in class, I even ask and he usually says, while jumping up and down, "I am working harder!"

I know when I started using this with Hannah, she went from sitting and refusing to do her work at the beginning of the year to being a top student by the end of the year in third grade. Her teacher commented at the spring conference that she had never seen a larger turn around in a student in a year. I can only attribute it to The Attribution Theory!


*If you want to read more about The Attribution Theory, it can be found in Hope for the Underachieving Student by Jim Fay of the Love and Logic Institute. www.loveandlogic.com

Time to Put on Big Boy Pants!

It is time for my little guy to put on his big boy pants!

I know he is only six, but I am starting to lose my mind, between the whining, and the arguing, and the excuses, and the complete shut downs.

Last week, I found myself being THAT MOM. Yes, you know the mom that is doing something and you think either, “Oh, I hope that never has to be me,” or “Wow, look at her, glad that’s not me!”

Fred has been having troubles transitioning into first grade. We had similar problems last year transitioning into kindergarten. I think he just does not handle change well. I have been trying to put the positive Love and Logic spin on it of “Look you get to learn how to do this when you are six, so that when you are an adult, you will know what to do. Many grownups don’t know how to do change!” (Huge smiling face from me!!!!) He just looks at me with that “Oh, yeah, right lady” look.

He has been getting up fine, getting dressed, getting into the car, getting out of the car, and walking up to the school without problems. (Last year I did take him to school twice in his pajamas, carrying him all the way to the kindergarten door and handing him off to his teacher!) The trouble seems to start when it is time to stand in line. Then the pouting face comes out, the mule legs set in, and he is clutching at my hand, arm, or leg, or all three!

Last week, he wouldn’t even get into the line, choosing rather to stand off on the lawn of the school’s front yard. When the bell rang, the door opened, and his fellow classmates started filing into the building, he just stood in the grass. I was trying to negotiate him if not into his classroom into the front door of the school. His afternoon teacher, whose door we line up at, said, “Oh I will handle this,” and proceeded to chase him around the yard. I felt that I should help her, although I found it ridiculous to let him have such control over the situation. I was the one that finally caught him and then she carried him into the classroom. It really would have been much better to negotiate him into the building with words and let there be consequences for his actions.

I did write a letter to her and to his morning teacher, the wonderful Mr. Davis, so that we could all be on the same page for Fred. Some emails were exchanged between myself and the afternoon teacher, and to make that ever-so-long and not exactly fulfilling exchange short, I was able to convince her to at least let me bring him into the classroom in the morning to work in his activity book or write his alphabet letters and completely bypass the line, which is where we seem to have problems.

We have been doing this new procedure for a little over a week and it has been working well. He hasn’t had any more red days at school, but several days when he is at home, he falls apart again. He may just refuse to do his homework, which might only be to write his five short spelling words five times each.

Last Wednesday, he was supposed to start a church club that he has been looking forward to doing for over a year now, but I said if no homework was done, then I wasn’t going to sign him up yet. He ended up going to Grammie’s so I could get Hannah registered for her girl’s church club. This week he did his homework and gladly went to the church club. I think it will be good for him to be around other boys and men.

Over the weekend, he had papers that he needed to do that he has not been doing in school. Mr. Davis says that he often shuts down when he is at his desk and will not work. Fred is also having problems at school with crawling around on the floor under the desks when they are supposed to be having floor time together, so these papers were sent home for us to finish. The first one was to write the day and date for four of last week’s days for which he had not written anything. After two and a half hours, he only had the four days written, not the whole sentences of “Today is Tuesday, August 30, 2011,” etc., and he had whined, and made excuses for most of that time. I simply felt like I was going to kill him and sent him to his room so we could both have some space. I don’t even know how many times I said, “Sit down and do your work.”

If he would just write it, it would be done in about 20 minutes. He did do another assignment much more quickly. I asked, “How does that make you feel?”

“HAPPY!” he yelled.

“I feel HAPPY too!” I said, “Let’s feel HAPPY all the time!”

But then he just as quickly reverts back to the activity where he simply refuses. I asked him after his very good day today how that made him feel.  Again and this time, “Happy, VERY HAPPY.”

I try to tell him how proud of him I am, but so quickly he can turn back to whining and making excuses. I have gone to just picking him up and carrying him to his room when it starts and saying, “I will see you when you are sweet and talking in a big boy voice.”

I have tried to get him to work these things out with his sister and cousin as far as the whining. One day we were all cleaning together at one of my housecleaning houses. Fred came up and said Hannah and my nephew would not play with him. I asked why not. He said, “They say I am a whiney pants.”

What could I say? I said, “Well, honey, I am sorry to say, but I don’t really disagree with them. Sometimes you are very whiney, and right now the way you are talking to me is whiney.”

“NOOO, I’m not whining.” He says in his most whiney voice.

“Really?” I asked. “Well, what do you think you should do about it?”

“I don’t know.”

“Would you like to hear what other kids do in this situation?”

“No.”

I proceeded to give suggestions anyway, “Well some kids just ignore their friends and play anyway. Some kids might talk in a voice like this (and I made my voice deep and loud) ‘Would you like to play with me?’ so that they are not mistaken for whiney pants, and some kids just talk in a normal big boy voice.”

He never responded, but went off to play and somehow must have figured it out with the other two because later they were all happily laughing and playing together.

Yet, times like these still do not seem to last.

I am trying to be patient and love him through it. I use bedroom time A LOT. I try to do the problem solving strategy like I did with the whiney pants. I talk about what a successful day at school will look like. I have taken away his DSi (Nintendo gaming system) until I no longer have to worry about him going into the school building nicely or doing his work or doing what he is supposed to be doing. I am letting him earn some toys for good days at school for a while. Unfortunately sometimes, I am just loosing it! I have to admit that at times, I just look at him, and yell out, “Fred, I can’t take this anymore! Put on your big boy pants!!!”

I know I am not supposed to yell, but frustration has definitely set in. I am trying some other items for school and home such as the Attribution Theory, which I will write about soon. I feel like I talk with him constantly about meeting the expectations of school and home. I just pray a lot too! I am working on my own calmness as well! I have been better in the last week and know that Fred is making little steps of progress each day. I just want him to feel hopeful that he can do this; that he is capable of wearing his big boy pants!

A Perfect Bedroom Time Example

My nephew and the dog that started the story below, Keona. Notice how actually happy Keona is here. His tail was wagging so much, it appears blurry because the camera didn't have a fast enough shutter speed to click it in mid-wag.

It's late and I should probably just go to bed. I had curriculum nights for both of my kids tonight at their school and then ended up talking to a friend in the parking lot until way too much time had passed. I had to check and respond to emails from my students, but I really wanted to blog about my nephew's perfect bedroom time incident today.

We were cleaning at a house today with these two big dogs. We love these dogs! The one in the photograph with my nephew is Keona; he is a Great White Pyrenees/Australian Shepherd mix. The other is a huge, pure-bred Great White Pyrenees named Cooper. Both are sweet and generally good with the kids. My nephew can be a little rough on the dogs at housecleaning houses, my house, and even his own house. He isn't mean, just overly exuberant at times.

Last week we got a dog at a housecleaning house a little over excited, and I could see that he was about to jump up on my nephew, which would have caused a bruise down his face and body. So I quickly gathered up my nephew and took the jump up on my own leg, making a bruise from my underwear line to my knee. Again the dog wasn't try to be a bad dog; he just wanted to play and didn't know his size and strength in comparison to a three year old boy.

Today I had already given him a warning at my house when he was squeezing one of our dog's heads a little too much with love. Then at the housecleaning house, I had asked my nephew to be gentle with the dogs. This particular house has a giant bean bag chair that sits lower than the raised couch in their home theater area. The kids enjoy jumping off the couch and onto this bean bag chair. Keona, the dog, also likes the bean bag chair and decided to lie down right in the middle of it. I told my nephew not to jump onto the bean bag chair when the dog was on there. Of course, the next minute, he did it anyway. Keona kind of jumped up and looked like he was going to start playing with my nephew, but more in the line of bring it on rather than a little playfulness. I said sternly and a little loudly, but not a true yell, "No!"

I meant NO to both of them. I made Keona get down and go to another area of the house. My nephew was cowering on the couch and acting as if I had screamed bloody murder at him. I picked him up and explained that I only wanted him to be safe and to be gentle with animals. I asked him to look at my huge bruise and asked if he thought he might want one of these because if he plays rough with the dogs, they will play rough with him, and he could get hurt. I told him I needed him to say, "OK Aha, (That's his name for me. It stands for Auntie Heather.) I will be sweet with the dogs."

He said nothing.

I said, "Oh that's sad because I really need to know that you understand this is important. How about if you have some bedroom time until you can tell me you will be sweet with the dogs?"

Then I carried him all the way from the basement up to the fourth level (this is a tri-level house with a basement.), and placed him on the bed in the master bedroom. I said, "You can come down when you can tell me you will be sweet with the dogs."

Then I walked out of the room, went to the family room area and began vacuuming. I got about halfway through the room, which took about five minutes, when I heard, "Aha, Aha!"

I turned off the vacuum, and my nephew was standing on the stairs. He said, "I am ready to be sweet to the dogs now."

I scooped him up and asked, "How does that make you feel?"

In the tiniest voice, he said, "Good." Then he buried his face in my shoulder.

After that there were no more dog roughness problems.

This is just a classic example of how bedroom time works when it works like it is supposed to work. You have to know that it doesn't always go this smoothly, especially when you first start using it. Also the age of the child can have an impact on how well this works. When I first started doing it, my daughter was seven. One of the first times I did it, she just kept coming out of her room and staring at me and her brother. Fred said, "What's wrong with Hannah?"

I said, "Oh she needs some time in her bedroom to get sweet. She is having some trouble with her temper."

The next time she came out staring us down with what would have been lasers from her eyes if she could have figured out how to actually shoot lasers from her eyes, Fred looked from her to me and said, "I don't think she's sweet, yet!"

It took several times of just calmly putting her back in and closing the door and leaving her there until she decided she was sweet before it worked. Now she often self-imposes some bedroom time and will come out only when she is ready to be sweet.

The experts, Jim and Charles Fay and Foster Cline, say it should not ever be a timed thing because if you use it as a "time out" and you set a timer, the kids will only be clock watching versus internalizing the reason for being separated in the first place. Bedroom time should be used for the child to be separated and then to get sweet before coming back out. They use the word, "sweet," because that is the desired behavior they want for the kids to come out exhibiting. Believe me there have been many times when I have said, "I see you back out, but I am not feeling the sweet. See you when you are sweet." They may stomp off and be mad that I am sending them back, but they always go and eventually they come out sweet.

My sister would tell you that my nephew has not always exhibited this perfect bedroom time behavior either. There have been times when she almost had to physically hold him to the bed in order to get him to stay in there, or close the door and then sit right outside so that each time he opened the door to come out he could not get past her. The key is that they have to actually be sweet, and they have to stay there until the sweet attitude is apparent, or they must be returned.

If you are consistent with this technique, you will find that the child will eventually internalize what you want for them to learn or do, and that they even sometimes send themselves away to get sweet. Consistency is the key! The Love and Logic guys say it is like making your words become like gold. The follow through and the calmness with which you carry all of this out, will make it so that eventually it will go as smoothly as it did for my nephew and for me today.