A Psychic Experience

Fred G and Wanda at a family party. These are my maternal grandparents that helped to raise me. I lived with them my first year while my mom finished nursing school. Fred was kind of a tough shell to crack, but apparently I was the one to crack it, and he lived out the rest of his days wrapped around my finger. Wanda was a fiesty lady, who loved her family and frequently spoke her mind.

For those of you who know me, you know I grew up fairly conservative and pretty fundamental. I don't really want to go into my religious beliefs fully today, although I will soon. However, I can suffice it to say, that I am more of a seeker and searcher these days than I once was.

In keeping with the seeking and the searching and the reading of Eat, Pray, Love, I had been thinking for a while that I wanted to see a psychic. I was scared and curious all at the same time. The upbringing voice in my head told me maybe I ought not to meddle in such things, but the seeking voice wanted to see what it might be about for me.

I told my guy about it. (My guy is yet another subject for another blog....) He found someone in the Yellow Pages online and began texting her, and over a period of about two weeks in which we made and cancelled and rescheduled appointments, we finally went to see her yesterday.

I had some questions on which I wanted some insight, but I was still pretty nervous, until I walked into her office. She looked like us. She didn't have strangely styled or colored hair or clothing. She almost could have been someone in my family; she just was part of my world and reality of people. I felt at ease.

I asked my guy to be there with me because you know how when you go to the doctor and he has to tell you something important you want a second set of ears to listen in case the doctor says a word like cancer and then that is the only word you heard the whole time? Well that was partly what I was afraid of happening. I wanted someone else there that could hear what I heard, although as you will see, my guy heard differently than me because I had my own internal dialog and work that I have been doing.

Anyway, the psychic, sat us down and asked me what I was curious about learning. I told her, but I am not ready to tell my readers just yet. The reason for the suspense is that it ended up being so detailed and covered several different topics that I want to write about each of them individually. I promise to keep writing about this. It is also a lot to process and I am a supreme processor, so some things I am actually not ready to share with the Internet!

She closed her eyes and said that she needed to tap into my energies. After a bit, she opened her eyes and said those that needed to be here were here. She said my energies were like a waiting room. Sometimes for people they appear as a board room or board of directors. I found it interesting that for me she said a waiting room because I would not need or want a group of people to direct me. She followed up the waiting room with the reason. She said they were in a waiting room because they don't always know what to say to give guidance or how to help. All I need to do from now on is to sit down and be quiet; they are there for me and whatever I hear or say first is what I should go with. When I second guess, is when it changes. I thought this was also very me. I do know that normally I should go with my gut. I find that if I start second guessing myself that is when I often times get into trouble. I also know that I am not good at asking others for help and often times it leaves my loved ones feeling helpless and in a holding pattern.

Throughout the session, she answered my other questions of which there were three main ones. After the first question was answered or explored, she asked if it was settled and the energy with which she was communicating said that it was. Just as she was about to begin with the second topic, she paused and said there was a grandmother that had something to say. She said this particular energy just piped up and wanted to let me know, "That I was doing a great job with the kids," at which point, I burst into tears!

I had already been crying some, but that just turned the flow to high! My mom's mom, whom I had lived with my first year of life, was so that woman who would just stand up and say what she had to say. Nothing else, just the one thing and then off she went to be a part of the collective. I have no doubt that Wanda stood up, said her peace, and sat back down. When I told my mom about this she, too, burst into tears. She said, "I could just see her saying, 'you tell that girl that she is a great mother!'"

For the other parts, different energies were speaking to my psychic. She said a couple of names had come to her, but others were just like a collective group. The grandmother that spoke up didn't wait for identification as to whose side of the family she was on, but I didn't need to have authentication. I knew immediately that would be Wanda.

For my first question, it was someone named Gordon. Today I found out who Gordon is, and I will share that story soon.

Another name, George, came up and she said that he didn't really have anything to say and he didn't say who he was, but just wanted his presence to be known. I picked up on the letter G myself. When I told my mom about this, she said of course, my grandfather Fred, her dad, who also raised me my first year of life, had the middle name of George. I had always just thought his middle name was G, just the letter G. Mom said it was George after his own dad, but he never wanted to acknowledge the name because his father had not been very good. Apparently George had been an alcoholic and had left the family when Fred was in sixth grade. That was why Fred never finished school, having to quit at the sixth grade and start supporting his mom and sister. My mom said it would be just like Fred G to be quiet like the George energy and just let his presence be known behind the scenes. I wrote in my Father's Day blog how much this particular grandfather means to me. I am very touched that he was there and confirmed what I have always known: that he is there every single day.

The final two parts of my session were not name or individual specific. She said it was like the collection of all the souls, or spirits, or energies were speaking as one. They said at any point I can ask anything and to trust my intuition.

My guy said to him it seemed vague, but I could see how that would be and it only confirms to me that the psychic was really tapped into me and my energies. The entire time I was having internal dialog with myself. I knew of what she was speaking each time. There was never a feeling of vagueness or well, that's not quite right. I always knew that she was tapped into my energies. This was not a fraud. This was not a fake. She was really communicating with them to me and through me.

I left there feeling like I know what to do next. I feel assured and very much not alone. She never told me what to do or exactly what my future holds because she can't and honestly that wasn't what I was looking for. There is still free will and no one or no thing can know the future, but I can know and do know that I am always surrounded by those that I love, living or passed on. I feel more spiritually connected rather than less or that I did something wrong, more assured in my beliefs in God, and the world which we cannot see but is there because we believe it is there, and because we exercise faith. It is a world of grace and love. And I am grateful to God that I was allowed a glimpse.

Fourth of July



My little man enjoying some backyard fireworks last year.



Happy Fourth of July to everyone!

I have been trying hard all weekend to feel the holiday spirit, but my kids are on their last visit with their dad while he has been here for the last month from South Africa. I am mostly focusing on house projects. I have seen a couple of movies and been out to dinners and lunches with family and friends. I did a bunch of yardwork yesterday and plan to get the house cleaned over the next few days. Today I am going to work and then go to my sister's in-law's annual 4th of July party. But mostly I just miss my kids!

Saturday I almost lost my mind when I found out that my ex had left them alone at a swimming pool for a substantial amount of time. I am trying very hard to just let him have his time during his brief stay without interference from me because the kids do not get to see him but once or twice a year, but this incident is a final straw that broke this camel's back! Then my ex in his true fashion would not even speak to me about it, hung up on me, and made it as if I was making a big deal about nothing. It would be super if for once he would take a teensy bit of responsibility for his actions. Before resorting to calling the police for a welfare check on the police, I was able to work out some things with my ex-father-in-law, bless his soul!

Mostly I just want my babies home! I have been in constant communication with God to continue to watch over them. I have thanked him and whomever he has assigned as guardian angels over my children for keeping them safe. Those would have been some fireworks nobody would want to see this weekend if something more than my kids were scared would have happened at that pool on Friday!

So I am hoping that everyone has a safe, happy, and fully supervised Fourth of July today!

My sweet girl enjoying being patriotic last year.

Father's Day

Today is Father's Day. Confessedly it is not my favorite holiday. I do not have the best relationship with my father. It has been strained for my whole life, and currently he is not even speaking to me. He is one of those men who never really seems to get it or have any propensity for growing up. I have visited several counselors who have told me to talk to him about those things that make our relationship not the best. I have tried this in the past to no avail. I have tried speaking and writing and ignoring. He is a man who lives in his own world and own reality. He is unable and unwilling to see my point of view and wants only forgiveness without reservation or without reliving or talking through the issues at hand. I have come to the point in my life where this is the best I can do. I can live my life looking forward and having no regrets. I have tried to say my peace in the past and it has only fallen on deaf ears. I will never be able to measure up to the unknown measuring stick he holds for me. I will never be the pride of his life or receive the unconditional love of which he is incapable. In short, I am done with that relationship.

As you can imagine that type of relationship has most definitely affected the rest of my relationships with men. Even though I tried very hard to choose a mate that was different from my father, I ended up choosing exactly the same. Even after my divorce, I seem to keep choosing the same and that is probably why I feel done with even trying to date anyone at this time. A friend of mine compares it to eating something you don't like but continuing to do it over and over anyway. She says if eating Corn Flakes makes you nauseated then stop eating Corn Flakes; in essence choose a different cereal! I joke now when I encounter the same type of man as just another box of Corn Flakes!

My ex-husband now even lives out of the country so I find myself being both mother and father to my two beautiful children. I feel ok about this with my daughter, but it has been a source of angst for me in raising my son. I want him to grow up to be a responsible, caring man full of integrity. I recently read a book, Boys Should be Boys by Dr. Meg Meeker, that has put it into the correct perspective for me. I will review this book in another post, but it has given me the courage and the plan and the sense that I can really do this in the raising of my son.

You might think that with not always having the best relationships with men that I might not like them or put them all into the category of "men suck." However, that really isn't the case for me. A college roommate of mine once told me that everyone is an individual whether male or female and we should approach each person as such. She was right and while I think I knew that deep down inside, her saying it out loud really solidified it for me. I do try to look at each person based on their own merits or lack thereof!

I have this little list of men that are not Corn Flakes. Unfortunately for my relationship life, they are men who are either related to me or are married to some of my best friends. My love for them is purely platonic!

I lived with my maternal grandparents for the first year of my life while my mom finished nursing school. It has been told to me that my grandfather was kind of a hard man with his own five children. Yet, when I arrived on the scene, he melted in a way that only a grandfather seems to be able to do. Sadly, he passed away when I was a little girl. I am certain that he is my guardian angel and looks out for me regularly. I feel his presence in my life everyday. I am reading a book about World War II in the Pacific right now. He served as a corporal in the Pacific, and I have found myself wanting to ask him so many questions. I also wish I could ask him other questions about his life and his life with my grandma. I suppose I am just going to have to wait to get to heaven to be able to have all of those questions answered!

My uncle Allan, my mom's only brother, is another of those wonderful men. He is a father to his own daughter's, but I consider myself an honorary daughter. He was still living at home the year I lived with my grandparents. He also lived with my family for a while when I was in junior high. He is the sweetest of souls. He is the one that does so much of the housework in his own home now. He was the only boy in a house full of four sisters. The sisters now said they purposely made sure that he was domesticated and knew how to treat women properly. I think they did a right, fine job with that.

My sister ended up marrying a man on the list. My aunts used to tease her about being the dismisser when she was dating. She had a knack for being able to see the red flags in a relationship fairly early and sending a would-be suitor on his way. In the end it served her quite well as she was able to choose the right man for herself and now their son. He is a kind, caring, sweet man who has some of the best integrity I have ever seen in a man. Even on his wedding day to my sister, he mentioned that I looked pretty, knowing that I would be self-concious about it since I had just given birth to my son two and a half weeks earlier and my husband was leaving me at the time. He has always been willing to give advice and counsel about things in my life if I ask. He never acts like I am stupid or imposing.

Of course, my mom is the parent whom I choose to celebrate on this holiday every year! My parents didn't even marry until I was two and a half and then were divorced by the time I was eight. She was a single mom even when she was married. She did it all for us and raised us to be strong, independent women. People tease about not wanting to turn out like their mothers. I always take it as a compliment when someone says I am just like my mother. If I had to pick someone to be like in this world, I really can't think of anyone better!

So here's a Happy Father's Day to my grandfather, my uncle, my brother-in-law, and MY MOM! And to those others on my short-list of men who know how to be good partners and best friends to their wives and wonderful, caring, supportive dads to their children.