Trying to Move Forward in the New Year

It's been over 4 months since the break up, and I still struggle with the sad. I don't go around crying all the time, just sometimes when I'm alone because I miss the relationship. I know that it's over, and I have done the letting go thing. I haven't contacted him, and I haven't wanted to. After my last post, I did email him all the things that I needed to say in order to have closure for me. I didn't expect that he would respond, but he did. However, there was no apology or accountability for any of his actions. He only told me all the things that I shouldn't do the next time around and then said that I had now said pages and pages of things and although I was welcome to continue to send him messages, he would no longer be replying because he had no more time for such things. Somehow I had become a total inconvenience in his life. After that it was easy not to contact him or want to fix things, but it hasn't stopped me from missing what I thought we had.

But therein lies the problem, right? What I thought we had and what was most likely the reality ended up being two very different things. I like to think of myself as a realist and yet, I wanted things to be one way so badly, that I was blinded to what was the truth. I really loved that guy. I loved what we had and the things that we did together. I loved him so much that I projected what I thought could be as the truth. I'm not sure I was ever really his priority. It was all when it was convenient for him and what he wanted instead of the true partnership I hoped for.

I'm trying to move on and stop crying in the alone times of my life. I've joined some dating sites, but so far they are more of an anxiety-producing activity than anything else. I went out on one date super quickly after I joined, but it was a disaster. The guy turned out to be for everything I'm against fundamentally as a person. I tried to quit the site, but it was past the 3 day cancellation time. A friend suggested I be super strict with my parameters, so I've buckled down a bit.

I have been communicating with a couple of guys. It's either really slow going or they want to exchange numbers right away, which I'm not wholly comfortable with. I'm trying to be chill about the whole thing, but I have had to ask others for advice. And sometimes the anxiety about it all gets to me. I went to my acupuncturist the other day and she couldn't believe how bad my shoulders, neck, and upper back were. As she was putting about 100 needles into my back making me a human pin cushion she asked if I could not work out as much. I said it wasn't working out, but the anxiety about the break up and being able to move forward that had me all bunched up. Of course, then I just started to cry one of those horrible ugly cries. Then she left me all snotty and sans a tissue. I'm supposed to have been relaxing when I couldn't move without sending my needles into stabs of pain while my snot pooled onto the floor below the head doughnut.It was not a pretty site!

I wish I could say that I am able to relax into the whole dating situation, but I just feel so messed up from the break up still. If I was the best relationship he ever had and yet he still wouldn't choose me even though I wasn't really asking for that much, how can I ever be what someone would want or need? Obviously I've been broken up with before, but the thing that makes this one so different is that the things that I cannot change about myself is what he said were wrong with me. My anxiety is so off-putting; my questions were overwhelming. Not saying this is what I deserved or that it's a good thing, but I can get that you leave me for someone else and you are moving on much better than in the end someone attacking the things that are my greatest weaknesses. I get that my anxiety can be hard to take at times, but if I could control it, believe me I would. When it gets to the point it was when I felt like I had nothing else that would help but to write about it was because the one person who had always claimed to be on my side was, as it turned out, not really ever on my side, I am sure that the anxiety was off-putting. But I still don't understand why he couldn't talk to me.

My friends tell me, and sometimes I tell myself the same thing, that it was all just an excuse to leave. He was just looking for a way out and I provided a big open door by blogging and going into a manic anxiety attack. I know I'll never know the real answers, and I have to go with what my gut says, which is usually always right. I worry when I write these blogs that it sounds like I am just full of self-loathing. I'm not. I certainly doubt my ability to have a successful relationship, but I still love myself. If you've met me, you know that I am a super perfectionist. I always tend to see the things that need improvement rather than celebrating all the good things about myself. I am a nice and good decent person. I love fiercely and am incredibly loyal. But at the same time I know that these things can be too much at times. I know that anxiety can take over, and I can become easily overwhelmed and seem manic. These are things I can't really change about myself. I can do things to make them less and believe me I have mellowed with age, but there will more than likely be times when they will surface again.Will there ever be someone that can see past these small events that seem large at the time? Or in the end will I end up exhausting anyone who sticks around for a longer period of time?

Today, I am just struggling with the grief of it all. I made it through the holidays, but it doesn't mean that there weren't tears shed in the bathroom or alone in my bedroom every day. There are most definitely times when I would still go back to him. I know that isn't the right answer and I shouldn't want it, but I loved him. A year ago we were skiing together and I just remember feeling so in love and happy. Of course, it was on that ride home that he asked me what I really wanted out of the relationship and I answered about the ring and having our family and friends more connected and it all went downhill from there.

So I will try to end on a positive note by saying that there are some nicer possibilities in the online dating world, and I will try to be open and chill about the experience. I will try to put myself out there, but sometimes I hate every second of it and just want to go back to a year ago and kept my mouth shut!

Here's to trying again in the New Year!

Letting Go

As I am working on moving forward alone, I am struggling with the concept of letting things go. I have to admit that I really still would like to fix things, but am continuously assured that my desire is one-sided. Therefore, I need to work on what to do next, which seems to be tackling this issue of letting go. Being a fan of the movie, Frozen, it's all fine and good to sing  Let it Go, but how does one actually make this happen? Elsa thought she would be fine up on that mountain not being bothered by anyone or accidentally turning others into popsicles, but she had to change her mindset in order to function with other people. I am going to have to change my mindset of still wanting to fix things to letting all of that go in order to move forward. I think saying or singing, "Let it go," is one of those things that's easier said than done.


As a student of my own life, I am trying to learn as much as I can about this topic because I feel like I don't know. I know that Elsa had to change her mindset after realizing that isolating herself on a mountaintop really wasn't going to serve anyone, not even herself. It can be nice to retreat away, but in the end we all have to figure out how to function with others. She had to change her mindset of thinking her power to turn things to ice and snow was a curse to something that could be beneficial for herself and others. The true love of her sister was the catalyst that helped her to see the good in her powers. So I am working on no longer wallowing around in my own grief and pain and taking this opportunity to do a couple of things: celebrate what we had, celebrate who I am, and figure out what the next steps are.


I still think that there was more good than bad, but in the end it was the bad that won out even if it was in the minority of the issues. (That stupid 70% rule again!) I suppose that's how it goes a lot of the time. Sometimes we get so caught up in the paper cut on our one finger that we forget that the rest of our hand is perfectly fine and functional because even though it's small, that paper cut really hurts! I do really miss him, but am wondering if I am once again the victim of hoping for more than he was ever willing to give. I am really good at projecting what I hope someone could be more than who they want to be. So let's start with all the things that were great about that relationship. Until the past couple of months, I thought we were really connected. We are both educators in some way, and it was always nice to be able to speak education-ese together. We had a favorite band, Switchfoot, that we followed. I enjoyed going to those concerts together; it was always a special bonding time. We did karate, church, and many outdoors activities together like skiing and hiking. He was kind and complimentary. There were many times when I needed to just talk about something, and he was good at listening without interruption. I always liked after one of these times when he would ask if I wanted him to do anything to help fix the situation or had I just needed a listening ear. We shared many great experiences and went to some incredibly fun events together. I really am going to miss all of those things. The beauty of our relationship was that it was not a traditional relationship, which I am not very good at maintaining. We didn't live together; we weren't planning to get married. We saw each other when we could, and we seemed to be able to make up our own rules for the relationship, at least until recently. I honestly thought we would be able to go the distance since it was such a free-formed relationship.



I know some of you have been worried about me and my ability to like and accept myself. While I do admit to feeling sad and lonely right now, I do know how to be alone, and it really isn't a problem for me. I don't need a man to make me feel complete. I do like having someone with whom I can spend some time, but that's just a perk to
life. I've been divorced for 10 years now, and it's really been 11 since I have been on my own. Before that, I was on my own for many years. I like my space. I have no desire to have someone come move in with me. I really don't think I ever want to be married again, and that certainly was not something I was asking for in the last relationship. I just wanted someone who would include me in all aspects of his life and that maybe someday might consider giving me a ring as a symbol that we were committed to each other. It didn't have to be expensive or even a diamond. It could have cost $10 for all I cared. I just wanted that small material token. In the end, I don't think the ring was the deal breaker. Aside from the blogging, which I think has become the convenient excuse and reason to vilify me, I think I know what the deal breaker was for him, but he won't confirm that, and it really is something too private to share here. My head knows that this relationship has run its course, and quite honestly if someone else was telling me this story, I would tell them it's time to let go. However, my heart is still not there yet. I am getting better each day, but the thought that I won't have that closeness I once shared with this person has really broken my heart. I think I may have hoped for too much that he wasn't willing to give.The hardest part for me is not wanting to ever give up, but knowing that he gave up on me, on us, is what hurts the most. I don't ever want to give up on someone that I truly love, but there comes a time when you realize that nothing you can say or do is going to make one damn bit of a difference. In fact, the more I have tried to make things better or work them out, the more he has retreated away until now he won't even communicate with me by any means, which in itself becomes a form of communication.



So, where do I go from here? If he came back tomorrow and said he would like to fix things, I think I would still do it. I think there are things like my mindset that I would be willing to change. I think there are things that I can still work on to be better at within a relationship. I have offered to change things about myself that are worth changing because we all have areas that need work; I have offered forgiveness; I have offered apologies; I have offered to look at things and approach them in a new way; I have given space; I have tried to communicate; I have asked questions; I have offered solutions; I have asked what he wanted; and none of those has been the right thing. At one time, it was possible to work on whatever needed to be worked on with this person, but now it is a total shut out. There will be no fixing of any more light bulbs; we are apparently going house shopping! (See quote to the right if you are confused.) The likelihood that he would ever even want to speak to me again is pretty slim, and his responses to things like I miss you or you are losing me have not been anything close to reciprocal;even I love you is met with nothing. So it is time to forge a new path. I am not wishing this person ill-will. I wish he would have been more open-minded and truthful about what he really did or did not want or what he was willing to give or not give emotionally within a relationship, but there is no point in dwelling on what we wish for rather than what is. What was it Richard from Texas said to Elizabeth Gilbert in Eat, Pray, Love? Oh yes, "You have to stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone ought to be."


So here I am ready to tackle the unknown and let this one go. It's funny as word has gotten out that I may be available how people like to help out! The other night at karate, I was talking to a dad of one of our younger students. This guy is a big, burly soldier who has admitted that he doesn't talk to civilians much, but he likes to talk to me. He can't ever imagine anyone not liking me or ever being mean to me. This was all said without knowing what is going on. I said something like well funny you would say that right now because I'm pretty sure there is at least one person out there who is not so enamored with me. I filled him in that the guy I've been dating had broken up with me. He then asked if I would like it if he fixed me up with one of his soldiers. I was a little non-committal as I am not really ready to start dating again, but I said he could keep an eye out. He said he would and then added that if I did start dating one of his soldier friends, he would kick his ass if I was ever mistreated by one of his people. It was cute and somewhat scary all at the same time! We'll see what happens. You know that other thing Richard from Texas said as he was leaving the ashram and reminding Elizabeth Gilbert to find someone else to love someday, "Sometimes the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else." Oh dear! I'm not ready for that yet, but it does make bring a smile to my face, which is a step in the right direction towards letting it go!

Moving Forward

I get it. I broke his rule and am now suffering the consequences. His decision was unilateral, and it was obvious from our brief conversation on the 19th that he had made up his mind before we even spoke, and there would be no changing it. I really didn't say much once I could hear his quiet anger. He didn't yell, but his disapproval is still weighing heavily on me; it's a constant pit in my stomach, choke in my throat, and pressure upon my entire body. He said he understood my need to process, but that he has a right to privacy and that is very important to him, so our relationship is over. He's not wrong. He does have a right to keep his own issues private. I have to tell you that the fact that I hurt him by writing is killing my soul today. I honestly feel horrible.

In the 6 years of previous dating, I never wrote much about him. I wrote about concerts or activities we went to, but didn't say anything if things were down. There have been other down times, so why not write about them? Because he was always willing to talk and communicate. I had been so completely cut off from his life recently, and my one or two friends with whom I was allowed to speak to had no answers for me. I was tearing myself apart. I knew I was overwhelming him. I knew I was freaking out. I had to get out what was haunting my very existence. I felt better after each previous blog. I felt like I had released a bit of the anxiety that had been plaguing me. I really was trying to solve the problem. I wanted to work it out. I told my one friend just hours before talking to him that I just wanted peace. I wanted to go back, hit reset, and figure out a way to move forward together. I still figured it was a long shot, but I wasn't expecting absolutely no negotiation during our discussion. It is just over, and his request when we spoke was that I be kind and respectful. I feel that I had tried very hard to be both of those things. The previous posts weren't hateful nor were they full of blame towards him. I think I haven't been as kind or respectful to myself, and I certainly don't have kind or respectful thoughts towards myself now either. He said he knows he has non-fans amongst my friends, but no one has commented either publicly or privately about him negatively. The comments I have received have been for me to try to recognize my own value and that relationships are just all hard no matter their length.  I tried to write my own story. Any examples I gave were generalistic, and there were many things left unsaid. My intent was not to hurt or harm, but to figure things out as best as I could alone.

He started by saying he had read my blogs and 2 things really struck him. He said that I couldn't retract all those things I said I wanted even though I personally really had let them go. But, what struck him most was the 70%. He thought I deserved 100%, but with him in the picture I would never be able to have more than 70%. I did say that I still don't believe that 100% is possible. It's a fairy tale, a myth. No one gets everything they want in a relationship and to set up the expectation that that's all any of us deserve is unrealistic. There has to be give and take, and there are always going to be things that each person isn't going to care for in the other. But I certainly am not going to force someone to be with me if he truly doesn't want to be. Begging in desperation doesn't do anybody any good. He didn't want to say anything else for fear it will end up here. Again, I get it. I didn't honor what he had asked, but the reason I started writing here is because I didn't know what else to do. I know I could have written in a private journal, but that doesn't work for me. I had to share my story for me, not to blame him or hate on him. I don't hate him. I still really love him and honestly still want to work it out, but I also clearly hear that is never going to happen.

He did ask me what I wanted at the start of the conversation. I said that I missed my friend. I didn't want to fight anymore, and I just wanted to work things out. I am not really sure why he bothered to put me through all of this when he had already clearly made up his mind. From his perspective, I think it was his way of letting me have my say, even though it wasn't going to make a difference. At the end of the conversation, he said he still really loved and cared for me. But those words feel empty to me. My definition of loving someone doesn't mean I give up on them when times get tough or when someone does something I don't like. That is bound to happen in any relationship. Love for me is unconditional. It means working together and not giving up on each other or shutting each other out. He said he still wanted to be friends, but I'm not sure how that is going to work out when he is now constantly worried about the privacy issue, which is something I only violated when I felt I could no longer turn to him. If we could have worked out, my only reporting back to you all would have been that we are going to work together to make things better.

Today, I'm just overwhelmed with my own grief. I know that in the end if he doesn't want to be with me, then I shouldn't want to be with him. But right now, I feel broken and torn apart and like there really must be something inherently wrong with me. I feel like a total failure. I think there is something wrong with me and my ability to carry on a quality relationship. I'm pretty sure I'm the worst person, and I am wondering how anyone is going to ever want all the things that are me. If I was the best relationship he ever had, why am I not worth fighting for? Why can't I ever get past this certain point in any relationship? What is it that I'm doing incorrectly? What do I still need to learn?


  I feel like right now I am kind of just whining. I am sorry if it comes across that way. I am trying to hold myself together. Going to work on the 20th was hard. I spent much of the day trying not to cry. I was ok as long as I had students in the room, or if I was around other people. Any time I was alone with my thoughts, I was just a pile of mush. I almost didn't write this blog because of the fear of hurting him more. But the brutality of again not being able to discuss anything was physically crushing me.  I have had comments that what I have done in writing my story shows great courage. While I certainly don't feel courageous, I appreciate that others feel like they can learn something from all of this. It was never my intention for it to come at the expense of someone else. As a teacher, it is what I strive for. I have never been that person always perfectly poised and graceful. I'm a dork. I feel like I bumble through life always Taking the Long Way.  But sometimes, I think that bumbling dorkiness is what makes it so I can't be part of a relationship. I become an embarrassment and a liability, which is what I believe has happened here. Again, I get in the grand scheme of things I broke his rule by being public; my embarrassing revelations have threatened his credibility. And for that I will always be apologetic. However, in that same grand scheme of the world, what I did or anything leading up to writing publicly by asking questions doesn't feel like it should be a deal breaker.

When I am not sure what to do with myself, I look towards mentors and other teachers to help me. I think of the famous WWJD - What Would Jesus Do? saying. I think Jesus would have offered forgiveness. I know he would have offered forgiveness to the other person, which is what I tried to do by changing my mindset, but that was never going to be received or acted upon by the other person. I have learned from my past that if only one person wants to work on a relationship, there is no relationship on which to work. I think I now need to work on the forgiveness of myself. Of course, if you know me at all, I have thought about what would Elizabeth Gilbert do? You know, ironically right now, she is going through a tough time and separation from her guy. She hasn't said much publicly, but I am sure she is writing privately. I suppose that's where I went wrong with my struggle is that I made it public. Even though my intentions were good, I still ended up hurting someone I didn't want to hurt. For that I will always be extremely apologetic. I have recently also turned to studying Dr. Brene Brown. I have watched her TEDx talk: The Power of Vulnerability a handful of times now. I definitely need to watch many more times. I am apparently fine with showing my vulnerability to others; my struggle here lies in not thinking that I am enough.I have to learn to love myself. Today is not that day, but I'll work on it. A good friend just this morning talked about a friend of hers who never felt like she could keep herself in a relationship, so she started dating herself. She would take herself out to do the things that she really wanted to do regardless of having anyone accompany her. In doing so, she found herself and then found someone who loved and appreciated her as well. Not a bad idea. Maybe I will give it a try.

I don't feel like I have to run out and find my next dating victim any time soon. I don't have a fear of being alone or doing things by myself. I have always been overly independent. I think dating a firefighter would be a good plan for me. I have never been good at having someone who is always around or constantly at my side; I could be completely accepting of a schedule that had someone unavailable for longer shifts of time.; ) He mentioned that now I could have you all start setting me up a little too facetiously. I really don't feel ready for that at all.The thought of setting up a dating profile or even going on a date right now makes me feel physically sick. I think for now, I'm going to continue to teach, do karate, hang out with my kids, and maybe pick up another job to help pay for that new furnace and air conditioning and maybe a trip to Italy with a student group next summer! Maybe I'll actually keep writing about all those things that I have been meaning to write about but haven't the last couple of years. Things that don't involve whining about my dating misfortunes! I have already been formulating my next posts: more about vulnerability and that darn 70% consensus rule.

Again thanks to all of you for your love and support. I really haven't had one person say bad things about my (former) guy; it has all been support towards me and helping to build me up. It has meant more to me than I could possibly say. If I have hurt anyone by my words, I am truly sorry. That was never my intent. I'm just trying to keep some semblance of sanity in my life. And now, I suppose we are all on this journey together because I seem to have found my writing voice again, and you have become my audience. Thanks for reading!

Changing my Mindset

I really missed him badly on Thursday. I had to take the day off from work to have a new furnace installed in my house, so I'm wasn't distracted by the busy-ness of teaching students all day. He's actually out of town, so the desire to ask him to lunch wouldn't have worked anyway. But I do miss my friend these days. I would love to call him up and invite him to a movie or just some down time together. There's a movie out now that I know we would both like to see. I just don't think these things are possible anymore. He says he wants to be friends no matter what happens, but being handed the friend card is a different kind of friendship than what we shared before.

What do I not yet know about myself or what have I not yet learned? I think I'm just going through the grief process, which would be normal, right? I still feel so undecided about what I would like to have happen.

On one hand, I totally get that if someone doesn't want to be with me, then I shouldn't want to be with that person either. I am sure in time, I could find someone with whom I might want to spend some time. I'm not sure that I feel willing at this point to ever put myself totally out there again, but maybe that part of me will heal eventually. I know he's busy with work and travel and taking care of his own children, but in the past we have always been able to come to some sort of a balance with all of these things. I shouldn't want to be with someone who really doesn't have the time or desire to make the time for me. I think it really comes down to I exhausted him to the point of overwhelming-ness. The writing has been on the wall. He has said, "I'm not that guy," and "You should find someone else." Clearly I should really move on, but I feel so stuck at wanting to at least try to make things be better.

But what if we tried to make things better? Would we eventually just fall into our same old behavior patterns? Are our personalities so unchangeable that change really cannot ever be possible? What if both people worked really hard to try to pave a new path? What if 70% happy is the best we can hope for? I still think it's not that horrible. I could live with the 70% I used to have: the familiarity, the comfortableness of knowing what he would most likely do or say. Even if I didn't always like everything, at least it was only 30% undesirable. I think knowing what I know now, I could do that. I might be willing to go back to our relationship before he asked me what I wanted, and I replied, and then it seemed to all fall apart.

But should I want someone who can't even commit to the small things I asked for? I didn't feel like it was that much, but there are times now when I wish I would have kept my thoughts to myself. Right now I miss my friend so much that I really would be willing to just go back to where we were in January and hit the reset button. I know I don't need a man to be complete or whole or anything like Jerry Maguire told us, but it's nice to have a person to turn to and share things with. It's nice to have a standing date to some things or to get to go to special places with the same person each time so that you are building that memory bank.

Again, we're not talking about the worst person in the world here. He's overall a very nice and decent human being. He's not a beater, a cheater, or a substance abuser. He tries to compliment me all the time. I'm the one who doesn't receive them well. What if it really is me? What if by saying what I wanted, I set some stupidly high expectation that he had no chance of ever meeting because it just wasn't in his realm of possibilities. At the end of the day, I can live with going back to a happier time and relaxing into what I know and enjoy. I don't have to be more connected to him or more a part of his life, and I certainly don't need a ring to enjoy his company or to enjoy spending time with him. I just want peace and to not feel so sad all the time.

My teaching teammate recently put up a bulletin board about changing your mindset. He had the first 9 up there on the window, but said he needed one more to fill the last spot because it looked empty. I thought of the "I'm Stuck" one. What I had in mind was a student who had emailed me about an assignment and said she was stuck on completing a map. My response to her was "What did you do to try to solve your own problem?" I mean, these kids have unlimited access to information all the time. It's not like when I was a kid, and we all shared the one set of encyclopedias that one neighbor had. Then I started thinking of my own situation of feeling stuck. When I went back into work on Friday, he had put up the last one and his version of the new mindset, "I can problem solve to overcome my challenges," was perfect. So what else can I try to overcome this challenge of not knowing what to do or to fix what has gone wrong, if that's even a possibility. In other words, is there something different I can do?

You know, so much of life is perception. I certainly have my perception of how things have gone, but he has his own perception, which I think is very different from mine. One friend said, "Maybe he will get his head out of his ass," and things will get back to where they used to be. But what if it's me who could get my head out of where it doesn't belong? Maybe to him this has just looked like a 3 to 5 month long panic attack where the harder I have tried to fix things, the more I have become obsessed with it. What if that obsessive anxiety-driven need to make it better has really made it worse? You know how when your children have a temper tantrum, the best thing to do is let them just have the tantrum while you ignore it because then it will just run its course, and you can talk later when you're both calmer? Maybe that's what I need to do. I've had my time to get out the crazy and now that we have both have had time to let things be calm and apart, we can try to figure out a new way to move forward??

All of this is just hypothetical at this point. I still really haven't spoken to him in a week or more. We had a brief email exchange about something business/teaching related, but I didn't mention anything personal. I am just trying to honor that space he has asked for. I know many of you are still going to say I shouldn't settle, and I completely love you for saying and thinking so. I am not thinking of it as settling though. I am thinking of working the problem. If after trying a new mindset, things are irretrievably broken, then we could move on. I get that the risk here is that there could be more pain later on, but maybe I would feel like there was some effort on my part. Again, he might have already completely kicked me to the curb, especially because I have made this public, so then you can all start setting me up with whomever you would think might be willing to put up with my brand of crazy because there is no way I trust me to choose for myself!

Follow-Up to Questions

I have been wanting to get back to blogging for a long time now, but I wasn't expecting it to be several posts within a couple of days. I have had such an outpouring of support and love from all of you; I felt like I needed to write a follow up post.

First, I want to thank those of you who have commented on the blog, on Facebook, sent me texts, and Messengers. I have seen some of you in person and have received nothing but love. I can't even tell you how much all of that means to me. You are all so important and special to me in so many ways. I have heard from people I haven't seen in years to people I just saw today. I feel truly blessed to be surrounded by such an amazing plethora of love and encouragement.

I love that you have all turned into cheerleaders for my self worth. I have always struggled with feeling anything more than adequate, so this is nothing new. I will continue to work on this, but my questioning if I am really worthy of something better is not a recent occurrence. Given my track record, especially in the realm of relationships with the opposite sex, it is something I come by honestly. I had a dad who has never said he was proud of me and a stepdad who was verbally abusive, both alcoholics. My track record with men has been less than stellar. I have experienced a string of alcoholics, cheaters, liars, and those who had less than good intentions. I once saw the actress, Ellen Burstyn, on Oprah. She said she was a magnet for the wrong guy. She could stand in a room of 100 men. Ninety nine of those men could have been saints, and she was going to attract the one alcoholic beater in the room. I feel the same way about myself. If left to my own devices, I'm going to keep choosing the same unsavory character as if I'm still trying to work out that part of my childhood, even though I've gone to counseling twice (once in college and once during my divorce). Remember that my sister pointed me in the direction of my guy. They had worked together and she knew he was different than the string of my own choices.

This relationship has been the healthiest one I've ever had. Have there been problems? Yes, of course. I think that happens anytime you put two people together. There are things about this guy that infuriate me, as I am sure there are things about me that infuriate him. However, in general there have been more good times than bad. He has treated me well for the most part. Are there areas for improvement? Again the answer is yes, but I could improve in ways as well.

Many of you have said to listen to my heart and I will know what to do. The problem is that I don't know. I still really miss my guy. I do actually love him and enjoy being around him. I pointed out some of the commonalities in the past post, and I think generally that we made a good pair. And again, I think this is probably as good as it's going to get for me. I don't think settling for the best relationship I've been in is selling myself as short as it may seem. I don't believe in Prince Charming for me. My sister was able to break free of our dad past and found the most amazing man, but I have yet to get there and where I look out from life, I just don't foresee that happening for me. My guy and I have a relationship that for the most part works for us, at least 70% of the time, so why can't we reach consensus? At the end of the day, the things that seem to have driven us apart are not deal breakers. Why can't we make this work?

The answers to these questions are still elusive, which is why I have so many questions. I still feel that getting answers is probably unlikely. I have been shut out of my guy's life lately. I am trying to stay out of it as he has said he needs some space. I have become overwhelming with my amount of questions, and his work has gotten to be a burden. I totally get that if you really want to be in someone's life, you will be. There are things lately that have lead me to believe, this really won't last or work out. I also totally get that I'm allowed to want things for myself in a relationship, and I shouldn't apologize for wanting these things. I get that I don't have to be part of a couple to be whole, although it is nice when it is working well. It's one of those niceties in life versus a necessary. I did actually try to end things with my guy back in July when it seemed that he really didn't want the things that I wanted. I felt at peace about it and was ready to move on all by myself. However, we had a meeting, and he said he wanted the things that I wanted. He even brought up the possibility of a ring recently, which had previously been completely unthinkable for him. So why all the sudden changes? That's where most of the questions have stemmed from, but now he won't communicate and says he's not the guy for me. Again, I totally get that I shouldn't and don't want to be in someone's life who doesn't want me there or who doesn't want to be there for me. I do get all of these things.

But what if....

What if we could hit the reset button and create a different future together? Wouldn't that be ideal? I would do that. I would be willing to compromise or collaborate or work towards that 70% consensus rule. Couldn't we work towards finding peace together? If we could both give and take, wouldn't that be the ideal ending or new beginning? I would really like that. I really hate the thought of giving up without even trying. I thought we were trying to work things out, but then it ended abruptly. I didn't want to keep doing what we were doing, but I was trying to work the problem, not just have it be over.

Just so you all know, the answer to all of these questions is most likely moot at this point. In going public and sharing with more than one person, I have broken one of his cardinal rules. I have no idea if he has read any of this. I am sure that he will eventually, and when he does, he is not going to be pleased. He doesn't want struggles to be public, and he fears embarrassment and loss of credibility. He will see all of this as a breach of those things. I am sure that I have already sealed my own fate. Again, I totally get that I shouldn't want to be with someone who tries to control what I say or do.

I do know all of these things, and yet remain undecided. I guess I would just like a chance to try to make things better. Then if after we've tried a new plan and feel like we've exhausted all possibilities, things are still not going to work, then we can say at least we tried. Again, I don't know. I think he would say he did try things, and I asked too many questions. I really am at a loss, thus the blogging! : )

I love all of you for lovingly reminding me of all the things I have had questions about. I do so appreciate all of you. Maybe I will continue to make the time to write about things that are not as heavy-hearted!

Questions That Might be Better Left Unanswered

The guy I've been dating for the past 6 years recently broke up with me. I know the tendency in a break up is to look at the other person and assign blame. While I don't think he's blameless, I can't say that I am either. Yes, he was the one that ended it, but I wasn't happy either. I wanted to be, but the problem is that I wanted things that he didn't seem to want as well. He had said he did, especially recently, and then it seemed like maybe those things were just never going to happen and eventually drove us apart. Now he says he doesn't want those things and can't be that person for me. They weren't horrible things; they weren't highly demanding things. I just wanted to be more connected and to maybe someday receive a material symbol of our commitment to each other. I didn't want to be married or move in together. I just wanted a ring as a symbol of our togetherness. It didn't even have to be expensive. At first the connectedness seemed to be possible, although the ring was not something he felt like he could do. For a time, I felt like we were moving towards being more connected. Especially from the end of last year until about early June, I felt crazy in love with him, more than in the previous years of dating. There seemed to be hope that we could at least build a life together more than him being just a person I dated. That life didn't have to be the traditional plan a wedding, get married, move in together, etc. I realized a long time ago that I am not really cut out for the traditional relationship plan. The whole old white men telling the woman what to do, doesn't sit well with me. That was the beauty of this relationship is that he didn't want the traditional path either. I had hope that we could build our own future together outside the constraints of what others said was the path we were supposed to take. However, hope can be as destructive an item as much as a constructive item.

I'm not writing this article to assign blame to the other person. I don't think he's a malicious person or a bad person; things just went terribly wrong in a relatively short period of time. I don't think there was cheating. He didn't tell me I was stupid or worthless. It actually seems like the more I tried to fix things or figure things out, the worse it became. I feel as if I was almost in self-destruction mode.The more questions I had and the more I tried to seek the answers to those questions, the more of a nuisance I became until he basically had enough. I would have liked answers to these questions, but it is unlikely that I will ever receive them. This is the place where I get to ask them and just know that they have been asked and then I can move on.

Honestly at this point, I am really questioning my ability to ever have any type of successful relationship. Am I not the common denominator in all these relationships that haven't worked out? I understand that relationships take work and that there is no perfect relationship. I have been looking at friends lately and asking questions and examining what might make a relationship work. I am supposed to meet with my guy after the 19th to either bring closure to our relationship and/or decide how we want to move forward. I don't think reconciliation is possible. Should I even want reconciliation? I know many of my friends would say, "No." They say I deserve better. I can find someone who would be willing to give me the things that I want. But what if I already had better? What if I won't ever be able to find a guy who would be willing to give me the things that I want? What if I need to let go of the things that I wanted? What if this is as good as it gets for me? Is settling really the worst thing in the world? Don't I teach my students about collaboration, conflict resolution, and consensus? Those things take compromise and each team member does not get everything they want. It's about learning to live with what can be acceptable for each person at least at the 70% level. So if each person can feel satisfied with the decisions being made 70% of the time, then the group should agree and move forward. One hundred percent is not the goal, nor should it be.

I know what I just wrote is going to cause an uproar amongst many of my friends. One friend would point out that she has thought for a long time that I should not be with my guy. But she is also cute and young and has no children.She has a sweet guy. I love her dearly, but life looks very different at 28 than at 46 with 2 children and a failed marriage and pretty much every other relationship that ends up having a shelf life after a certain point. Other friends say that he could treat me better. What if I could treat him better as well? Does he have shortcomings, yes. He can be fairly oblivious with both time and how what he says and does affects me. He is not a planner and I am. I do feel like sometimes he says one thing but his actions don't say the same things. But I am not perfect either. I can be very rigid; I'm a perfectionist. When I feel wronged or hurt, I can sometimes hold on to that for far too long. I think I come off as neurotic quite often. I have fairly severe OCD and struggle with massive amounts of anxiety. He has said that anxiety can be off-putting. I think a lot of what the problem is for right now, past the inability to give me the things that I want, that I cannot let go of the questions in my mind about some things that have occurred lately. Then he feels put on the defensive because I am constantly questioning what is happening. Yet, are any of these things deal breakers? Are any of these reasons for us to move on to other people? Do I want to even date someone else again? Won't I just choose the same person as my dad or ex-husband, who were most definitely not good? I'm pretty sure that if left to my own devices I'm going to choose someone who going to be a guy like that. I don't trust myself to choose the right person. My sister choose my guy this time around. I think that's why it lasted so long and was probably the healthiest relationship I've ever had. I don't think I have what it takes to choose a guy who would want to commit to me the way I might ever want. I don't know how people choose those right people. It is not something within my skill set.

As I've looked at other relationships and asked people questions, what I've discovered is that even the relationships that look rock solid have ups and downs. Two different couples I know who have been married at least 20 years have said, it really is just about both not giving up at the same time. I have heard that they have seen each other through some dark times and worked through the problems enough and that they made it through together. I have really struggled with the just giving up part of this whole thing. I have always been the person that wants to continue to fix it. But I also know that if only one person wants to make it work, that not enough in a relationship. If my guy and I were married, would we keep working to stay together? Would we be able to reach some kind of compromise or consensus? Should we work for these things? Is there really someone out there who would choose me? Is there someone who would still love me and want to be around me through my anxiety-ridden episodes where I question the whole world? Will I ever be worth the risk for someone? What if my story isn't a fully committed relationship? What if this is as good as it gets for me? Can I accept this person at least 70% of the time? I don't know. I seriously doubt that these things are for me. I think they are for other people, but not for me.

We have had some really good times together. We both love hiking and recently climbed a 14,000' mountain together, which was a monumental day. We used to do karate together and are both black belts, although he has said he is no longer interested in continuing with karate. We are both educators, so we speak a lot of the same language. We have a common band that we love and have attended many concerts to see them that have always been a highlight. We have traveled well together. There are more good memories than bad.

What if I took all of my wants off the table? What if we could forge a new future together? Would he even want to? I kind of don't think so, but I wish that he would be willing to at least entertain some of these ideas. I would love to have a conversation after the 19th that was calm and reasonable and could set a tone of where we maybe could go from here. I do really miss him, but when I recently sent him a text to tell him so, his answer wasn't reciprocal. I think I have exhausted him with my me-ness. I love him, but is it at the point where love and hope are just at the destructive stage?

I'm always nervous releasing these posts into the world, but they seem to be a way for me to reach resolution for myself. I obviously don't write that often. The last couple of posts are more from when I have hit a bottom, and I have no other outlet but to write it out. I know I could just not publish these posts, but that doesn't give me resolution. I'm nervous about what will happen in the release of this post. My guy is not a fan of social media and will not be pleased that I have disclosed any of these things, but I figure he's already gone and hasn't been willing to work these things out with me. I have resorted to what works for me. There is also the fear of vulnerability in releasing these most private of thoughts. I like to appear strong and put together, but I'm human like anyone else and writing and releasing these thoughts into the world is what gives me peace. Finally, I fear all the comments that people will be making. I'm such a people pleaser that I worry about who I may have offended by writing these words. I'm sorry if I have somehow offended you by writing what I have written. I'm not writing to be malicious or hurtful. It's my way of processing my world. Please be gentle with any comments you may have. Thank you for reading.

A Man of My Own (This Time Without the Question Mark)

My guy and me.

 I am hoping he won't freak out too much that he is appearing on my blog! : )

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote two entries about my own desires and questions about my relationships with men. I have thought about and processed out pretty much all of my questions and complaints in this past weeks.

It really helped that my current dating guy read my blogs and actually wanted to talk about things with me. He had some questions as well as insights. We also joked a little about the commitment phobic comment, which he didn’t actually deny. He liked that I had mostly nice things to say about him. It is true I admire him very much and find him to be quite an honorable person. And of course, the nice part is that he actually brought it up and we talked for a long time until the subject seemed resolved. This is not something I have experienced in the past. Mostly for me if things start to go south or even a little off skew, then the man just walks away, usually degrading me as part of the process, blaming me for any of the relationship’s downfalls. (Remember I have said that I do take responsibility for any part I may have played in a relationship’s demise, but there are always two people in a relationship with at least two sides to every story.)

We talked about that other guy from the dream a bit. I really do think that dream guy (Please note: that this is simply a distinction of him appearing in my dream rather than that I actually believe him to be the man of my dreams.) is not the right match for me. It is not to say that he is not a nice person. I just think we live in two different worlds and come at life from very different perspectives and perceptions. My current dating guy’s question was why I am even interested in this guy if I feel that he isn’t the right one. That really is a tricky question, and I think it goes back to the root of many of my man problems. The answer I gave to my guy is that it ends up being about loyalty really. Here is this man with whom I have a past and some of that past was quite nice, so I actually feel a bit of obligation to try to make things work out simply because he shows interest or acts like I should be part of his life. I have done this with other men in my life, and I can’t help but wonder if much of it doesn’t stem from that ever present father/daughter relationship which revolves around the same principles of obligation and misplaced loyalty. Should I be interested simply because he asks? Should I jump simply because he says to jump? Or should I stop and question whether it is healthy and beneficial for both of us to be in a relationship together? I need to be asking myself does he deserve to be with me rather than wondering if I deserve to be with him, to which my answer almost always seems to be no. I need to start feeling deserving of love in a relationship; that I am just as worthy to be part of the couple as the man is.

Then my guy and I talked a lot about that dream in which dream guy appeared. My guy said that he is hearing from me a lot about a need for safety and security in a relationship, which I think is spot on. Current dating guy is quite the perceptive fellow! I often times find myself just waiting for the other shoe to drop in a relationship. I don’t usually feel safe and secure that there will be more than just another month or so of time for the relationship to last. I like to know that whomever I am involved with wants to be invested in me and wants to be with me for me as I am, not constantly wanting to change everything about me.

I said to my guy, “How do I know that you are not going to see someone else walking down the street and think, ‘oh yeah, she’s the one for me!’ and off you will go.”

 He asked, “How is that any different than if we were in a ‘committed’ relationship? I could go right now and do that, but I have no desire to do any such thing.”

My reply, “Of course, you are right. I mean, we have both been married and stood up in front of God and everybody and said those vows promising all those things, and yet we both know that doesn’t mean anything for anything if the person you are with didn’t really mean those things when he/she stood up there and said those things with you and supposedly to you.”

I just feel that the way we have things and the way we feel about each other is the best it can be and works the best for us. We don’t have to speak everyday or see each other every day to know that we still care very much about each other and want to spend time with each other when we do have the chance. When the free time comes around, for the most part we are the ones each other chooses to be with outside of family and other close friends that are the same as family. I do love his boys very much, but I have no desire to try to blend families, and he feels the same. That just seems like a whole lot of work. Why can’t we just enjoy each other and each other’s kids when it works for schedules and other times as we can arrange them?

At the end of the discussion, we both agreed that we were on the same page. My guy is still reluctant to say certain words or make any promises of what the future might look like. I really don’t care. He knows that I love him and that he is the one that makes me happy. Maybe that is just my job right now to love and just let it be. I do feel safe with him and want to be with him when I have the time for a date. He is one of my best friends.

He was joking about the Jerry McGuire quote of “You complete me.” I said I didn’t believe in that quote.  Instead I brought up one of the quotes from the end of Band of Brothers. If you have seen the miniseries, you may recall at the very end when Major Winters is doing a voice over of what ended up happening to many of the men of Easy Company when they returned home from the War. When he tells about his good friend, Captain Louis Nixon, he says that after the war he returned home to work for his father’s company, but struggled with alcoholism and a broken first marriage. Then one day he met a woman named, Grace, and it all came together for him. I said that was maybe what it was like for us. That we had to have all of our previous experiences to make us complete all by ourselves so that when we came together as a couple it all just came together. We don’t need someone else to make us whole, we need someone else to compliment us, make us better, and bring out the best in each other.



My Own Part

Alone and mostly happy that this is how my life is. Look at me! Don't I look thrilled? This is last year's Thanksgiving dinner. I do actually do just fine making holiday memories for me and the kids solo, without a man!

After I wrote yesterday's post about the lack of a man, sort of, in my life, I worried that it all sounded like a big whine fest. I hope I haven't taken a page from Fred's book of Mr. Whiney Pants!

I wanted to say then today that I do know I hold a lot of the responsibility for staying single.

I acknowledge that I do like the arrangement I have with current dating guy. I do like having autonomy over myself, my kids, and my household. For the most part, I don't dream of having someone here changing our routines and structure. I really hate feeling judged, especially in my own home.

I honestly hate dating. It will be hard to find someone else when I simply refuse to put myself out there and try to find someone!

I know that at times, I am not the easiest person to live with. When I was married, I think the first several years were probably the worst for my husband. I do suffer from anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder. It took until after I had Hannah before I finally acknowledged that I might need some medication to help ease a little of the edge to my behaviors. Once I started the medication and saw how other people are able to let things just roll off, I was startled at the difference. I apologized no less than about a thousand times for being too hard on him. I don't think he ever accepted it though. He never did acknowledge his role in the demise of our marriage, citing only that I was a psychotic bitch with personality disorder. I suppose whatever works for you!

I also feel just broken, and I don't know if that is ever going to go away. It wasn't my divorce that left me feeling this way, but the end to another relationship a couple of years after the marriage. I had been dating my old high school sweetheart. He is a pilot and was based in Milwaukee. He wanted to go ahead and move in here about a year and a half after we started dating. I said whatever he wanted to do was fine with me because he would be the one that would have to commute. He assured me that yes, it was what he wanted. He moved in here and three weeks later, he said that things weren't working out and he thought we should break up and he should move out. A couple of weeks later, he came back and gathered his belongings. He said that it was just too much family around here for him. He made it my fault as was his pattern. This was a man with whom I had a long and storied past. We dated on and off through college and even a little beyond. He was a frequent cheater. After my divorce, he said that was all in his past, so stupidly I believed him. About a year after he moved out of my house, he became engaged to another woman, his first fiancee ever. I saw him that summer, and the story had come out that he had been seeing this other woman about six months prior to moving in here with us. At first I was glad to know some of the story, then I was a little taken aback, now I am mostly just angry that he had the nerve to even say he wanted to move in with us while dating her all that time. It really was his idea alone to move in here. I wondered why he did that to us. And the part that makes me the angriest is that he made it my fault. Even during the visit where I saw him last and he explained how he had met his fiancee, he said that some of it was just embarrasing for him and that he felt like I had made him lie to me. Really? I made you lie to me?? I was sad at first because I missed my friend, but since then I feel like he just owes me the world's largest apology. But something broke in me that day. I had been so sad for over a year that he had gone away and I felt that somehow I had driven him away. I had let him into our lives, my home, my family and all the while he was cheating. I just don't know if I can ever trust someone else to come in here and be a part of my family for fear of the betrayal.

I know I shouldn't live from a state of fear, but it is different when the kids are involved. It is not just me that is affected by a man leaving me. The kids loved this old high school sweetheart too. They didn't understand why he moved in and then moved out so quickly. I feel that I have the responsibility to protect them as much as possible. If that means that I am single until Fred is 18 and moves out of the house for college, then really so be it!

So while I sometimes wish, and apparently dream, of a man of my own who would love me for me and with whom I could form a partnership and support system, I think that realistically this is the best life for me and Fred and Hannah for the time being.

A Man of My Own?



Maybe I will just have to settle for wax men!

 Sometimes just when you think you have something all figured out, then all of a sudden you feel like you don't! Why does this happen? Why can't I just feel settled about this one particular area of my life? In Eat, Pray, Love, Liz Gilbert calls it brooding. Oh yes, brooding over relationships and what they mean for me.

Currently, you could say I am single, although I have a guy that I date, but he doesn't like to be thought of as a boyfriend. In fact any kind of verbage along the lines of boyfriend or something more than friend, literally, freaks him out. I actually really like our arrangement. We did try the full-fledged couple thing, and it really didn't work for us. It didn't work, I think, because I am so independent, and he is a hugantic commitment phobic, and it was extremely hectic to try to blend four children, his two and my two, and different family styles. We have pared way down. We do still have times when we get all four kids together for a meal at McDonald's or some other small, not all day, event. We see each other once or twice a week. We may talk once a week on the phone. Sometimes we text or send each other an email or two. However, there is no set schedule or expectation that we need daily contact. I am sure that I love him, and he has said that he cares about me and wants me to be happy.

Really I do love not having someone here all the time, underfoot, or bossing me around. I enjoy having complete decision making in my own home. I can paint the walls whatever color I would like. I can buy a piece of furniture and come home with it guilt free and place it just where I want it. When I was married, I ran the household myself anyway. Being on my own, makes it so much nicer because there isn't someone disappointing me by not doing things or not being supportive all the time. I truly feel that I am more at peace and happier on my own than when I am trying to bend my life around a man's life, which seems to be what inevitably happens in every relationship with a man that I have had.

So why, oh why, did I have one of my overly vivid and realistic dreams the other night in which my guy and another guy that I had previously dated were vying for my attentions, and the other guy ended up asking me to marry him. I even said yes, although I spent the rest of the dream pondering if that was what I really wanted to do.

These dreams that I have are so realistic, and they stay with me for days, weeks, and sometimes even years. I sometimes contact the person or people that are in the dream because I often wonder if it isn't the Universe or God or whomever telling me something is wrong with a loved one. I did tell both of the guys that I had had a dream. I didn't tell the other guy about the marriage proposal part. My current guy said it is just normal to have these feelings and thoughts about wanting to have a regular, stable relationship.

I don't feel that the relationship I have with my current dating guy is unstable. However, it doesn't always feel secure in the fact that I know he will always be there. I don't really think he is going anywhere, but he could because there are no ties keeping us together. Mostly, I just feel like the dream and its resulting brooding is just so girly and fairy taleish. I know that fairy tales are not real. I also feel that marriage is sometimes just a societal pressure trap. But I have been sidetracked by this dream and the renewed desire to have that lasting, loving, stable relationship with my own special person.

I see other family members or friends of mine who seem to have those fairy tale relationships. I have always been envious of those that seem to be able to find that other half of themselves. In recent years, I have found myself thinking that is just not going to be my story, my life.

Mostly I don't think it will happen for me because I hate dating! I hate having to retell my story all the time. I don't want to get to know someone all over again or tell all my stuff all over again. I just don't have the energy for it! It can be exhausting rehashing things and draining listening to someone else rehash all of their things. It seems selfish to just want to keep closed up, but maybe it is more self preservation than selfishness. I don't know.

I actually had a nice, and rare, Saturday evening out with my current guy. We had a good dinner and great conversation. I hadn't intended to tell him about the dream, but then ended up spilling it all. Then I just cried because I hate feeling vulnerable. He was supportive and sweet and nonjudmental. He even called on Sunday evening, and we had a brief chat about the upcoming week and how nice the past weekend had been. I really would be fine if we just dated or didn't date or whatever this is for a very long time. I feel that he is one of the best matches for me that I have ever dated. He is smart and educated. He is an educator and we seem to speak the same language. He is for the most part, not overly egotistical or arrogant, but he is still a man and can have his moments. As I am sure he thinks I have my girl moments as well. He really is nice and caring. He is probably the best suited to me. I guess I would just like to know sometimes that he actually loves me and would want to do this (whatever it is that we have) for a long time too. I have heard of couples that never end up living together or getting married and yet are together for decades. They just know they do better living in separate homes and leading separate lives, yet still being together.

The other guy in my dream has rejected me several times. He has said he is not interested in a romantic relationship right now. However, I wonder if that really just means mostly not with me, and he is trying to spare my feelings. We officially dated a long time ago, when I was first graduated from college. I remember him being nice and sweet and accepting of me as me. Now we are sort of friends, although it is hard for me to find the energy to have just a friend. It sounds horrible, I know, but I have so many other things going on in my life, that I just can't rally myself to try to spend time with someone for whom I care very deeply and know that it would never be more than just friends. Plus, I think that he may just be the same as many others, very close in characteristics to my dad, and I definitely do not want that. I feel like after the dream that if he were to say, "yes, let's give it a shot," I might actually say yes to him, and yet I know deep down inside that is probably not the best course of action for me. I think in the long run, it would just end up in heart break all over again.

I think, for the most part, I have set my life up like this. Current dating guy says that all these guys pursue me because I don't ever close the door completely on any of them. I think that part of that is true, although there are some that I have been very clear with and they still stick around, and others that I cannot bear to say, "no thank you," to because they are going through bad times, and I don't want to add to the bad.

Another guy, not in the dream, has been semi-pursuing me. He is an old friend from high school going through a bad divorce and many other sad times. He calls sometimes and mostly just vents about what is wrong. I do really care, but I find myself feeling drained and strained when he is done. Last week, he called and vented for almost an hour. He did ask me at one point how I was doing. I should have just said fine and left it at that, but instead I said that I had been having troubles getting both kids back into the swing of things with school. During my explanation, he just started laughing. I stopped abruptly. He apologized for laughing, but said he is looking forward to the day when those are all the problems he has to face. I do understand that his problems are very big right now, but it really didn't make me feel very good with him trivializing what feels very big to me right now, especially after having listened to all of his mire for almost an hour.

I would like someone who can support me and accept me for me, who would be willing to have give and take rather than take all the time and I have to give until I am so drained I can hardly stand up. I am awful at asking for help and mostly have no idea what to even say when someone asks how they can help me in my life. I would like a guy with initiative, who could just come along and help without making me feel inferior or judged. Does someone like that really exist? My dating guy asks me how he can help, but I truly have no idea what to tell him. What should I say? Would you like to come over and vacuum my house on Tuesday evening? I just don't think that will happen either.

I think some of the thoughts are still roiling around in my head because I was watching the Shania Twain series on OWN this weekend. She has been through a similar end to her marriage as I had with cheating and betrayal. She ended up starting a relationship with the man who was the husband of her friend that cheated with Shania's husband. (She does admit this is a crazy twisted scenario, but somehow ended up working out!) Her new guy, Fred, seems like such a sweet and gentle man. Shania's sister describes him as an angel. He seems that way. He seems supportive and helpful and encouraging. He comes in beside her and helps her. When I see things like that, I wonder if that would ever be possible in my life? Or am I just done? Am I just better off alone? Is it just too hard having young kids and finding someone who would take me as I am with all my baggage in tow? Of course, Shania Twain has this. Look at her; she's Shania Twain! She is beautiful and talented and seems to be a real person who is kind and loving.

I heard a story once about Kurt Warner the football player for one of the NFL teams that won the Super Bowl in somewhat recent years. The story goes that he was a regular at a restaurant and consistently tried to ask out this waitress, Kathy. She always declined his offers. Finally he wore her down and she conceeded. However, when he went to pick her up, she said she would have to cancel because her babysitter didn't show up. Kurt said that they would all just go out to dinner together. She said that would not be a good idea because her oldest son had cerebral palsy and that would just be too much for a first date. Kurt just came into the house picked up the son and carried him downstairs to the car and off they all went on a date. Of course they eventually married and had several more children together. I don't know if stories like this make me feel better or worse. Would it mean there was really hope, or is it that I simply could never actually attract a man like that?

I swear that the only man that I can attract is the same one over and over. I think I am a magnet for the wrong man. If there is a man out there remotely in my radar, he will be the same overly arrogant, self-centered, egomaniac that I see my father being. Basically the only man I can attract is my dad over and over again in different forms. My sister was able to break the cycle, but I just cannot seem to do it. If the guy isn't some right-fighting, negative, judgmental man, then he is so afraid of commitment that he cannot see straight.

I really think there are no answers for me. All of this has just been weighing heavy on my mind since the dream. Maybe I just need to have a good cry all by myself, then get back up, put on my big girl pants, take a deep breath, and keep moving forward.

Also on OWN this weekend, was the behind the scenes of Oprah's new series, Oprah's Life Class. In it she says that her show was her therapy. She never actually had to go in to a therapist's office. All of her issues and struggles were worked out with her guests on her show. I wonder if my blog is becoming the same type of venue for me. I feel like I should thank any of you who managed to make it to the end of this long, rambling entry! So.... Thanks for listening and until next time take care of you!