Trying to Move Forward in the New Year

It's been over 4 months since the break up, and I still struggle with the sad. I don't go around crying all the time, just sometimes when I'm alone because I miss the relationship. I know that it's over, and I have done the letting go thing. I haven't contacted him, and I haven't wanted to. After my last post, I did email him all the things that I needed to say in order to have closure for me. I didn't expect that he would respond, but he did. However, there was no apology or accountability for any of his actions. He only told me all the things that I shouldn't do the next time around and then said that I had now said pages and pages of things and although I was welcome to continue to send him messages, he would no longer be replying because he had no more time for such things. Somehow I had become a total inconvenience in his life. After that it was easy not to contact him or want to fix things, but it hasn't stopped me from missing what I thought we had.

But therein lies the problem, right? What I thought we had and what was most likely the reality ended up being two very different things. I like to think of myself as a realist and yet, I wanted things to be one way so badly, that I was blinded to what was the truth. I really loved that guy. I loved what we had and the things that we did together. I loved him so much that I projected what I thought could be as the truth. I'm not sure I was ever really his priority. It was all when it was convenient for him and what he wanted instead of the true partnership I hoped for.

I'm trying to move on and stop crying in the alone times of my life. I've joined some dating sites, but so far they are more of an anxiety-producing activity than anything else. I went out on one date super quickly after I joined, but it was a disaster. The guy turned out to be for everything I'm against fundamentally as a person. I tried to quit the site, but it was past the 3 day cancellation time. A friend suggested I be super strict with my parameters, so I've buckled down a bit.

I have been communicating with a couple of guys. It's either really slow going or they want to exchange numbers right away, which I'm not wholly comfortable with. I'm trying to be chill about the whole thing, but I have had to ask others for advice. And sometimes the anxiety about it all gets to me. I went to my acupuncturist the other day and she couldn't believe how bad my shoulders, neck, and upper back were. As she was putting about 100 needles into my back making me a human pin cushion she asked if I could not work out as much. I said it wasn't working out, but the anxiety about the break up and being able to move forward that had me all bunched up. Of course, then I just started to cry one of those horrible ugly cries. Then she left me all snotty and sans a tissue. I'm supposed to have been relaxing when I couldn't move without sending my needles into stabs of pain while my snot pooled onto the floor below the head doughnut.It was not a pretty site!

I wish I could say that I am able to relax into the whole dating situation, but I just feel so messed up from the break up still. If I was the best relationship he ever had and yet he still wouldn't choose me even though I wasn't really asking for that much, how can I ever be what someone would want or need? Obviously I've been broken up with before, but the thing that makes this one so different is that the things that I cannot change about myself is what he said were wrong with me. My anxiety is so off-putting; my questions were overwhelming. Not saying this is what I deserved or that it's a good thing, but I can get that you leave me for someone else and you are moving on much better than in the end someone attacking the things that are my greatest weaknesses. I get that my anxiety can be hard to take at times, but if I could control it, believe me I would. When it gets to the point it was when I felt like I had nothing else that would help but to write about it was because the one person who had always claimed to be on my side was, as it turned out, not really ever on my side, I am sure that the anxiety was off-putting. But I still don't understand why he couldn't talk to me.

My friends tell me, and sometimes I tell myself the same thing, that it was all just an excuse to leave. He was just looking for a way out and I provided a big open door by blogging and going into a manic anxiety attack. I know I'll never know the real answers, and I have to go with what my gut says, which is usually always right. I worry when I write these blogs that it sounds like I am just full of self-loathing. I'm not. I certainly doubt my ability to have a successful relationship, but I still love myself. If you've met me, you know that I am a super perfectionist. I always tend to see the things that need improvement rather than celebrating all the good things about myself. I am a nice and good decent person. I love fiercely and am incredibly loyal. But at the same time I know that these things can be too much at times. I know that anxiety can take over, and I can become easily overwhelmed and seem manic. These are things I can't really change about myself. I can do things to make them less and believe me I have mellowed with age, but there will more than likely be times when they will surface again.Will there ever be someone that can see past these small events that seem large at the time? Or in the end will I end up exhausting anyone who sticks around for a longer period of time?

Today, I am just struggling with the grief of it all. I made it through the holidays, but it doesn't mean that there weren't tears shed in the bathroom or alone in my bedroom every day. There are most definitely times when I would still go back to him. I know that isn't the right answer and I shouldn't want it, but I loved him. A year ago we were skiing together and I just remember feeling so in love and happy. Of course, it was on that ride home that he asked me what I really wanted out of the relationship and I answered about the ring and having our family and friends more connected and it all went downhill from there.

So I will try to end on a positive note by saying that there are some nicer possibilities in the online dating world, and I will try to be open and chill about the experience. I will try to put myself out there, but sometimes I hate every second of it and just want to go back to a year ago and kept my mouth shut!

Here's to trying again in the New Year!

Letting Go

As I am working on moving forward alone, I am struggling with the concept of letting things go. I have to admit that I really still would like to fix things, but am continuously assured that my desire is one-sided. Therefore, I need to work on what to do next, which seems to be tackling this issue of letting go. Being a fan of the movie, Frozen, it's all fine and good to sing  Let it Go, but how does one actually make this happen? Elsa thought she would be fine up on that mountain not being bothered by anyone or accidentally turning others into popsicles, but she had to change her mindset in order to function with other people. I am going to have to change my mindset of still wanting to fix things to letting all of that go in order to move forward. I think saying or singing, "Let it go," is one of those things that's easier said than done.


As a student of my own life, I am trying to learn as much as I can about this topic because I feel like I don't know. I know that Elsa had to change her mindset after realizing that isolating herself on a mountaintop really wasn't going to serve anyone, not even herself. It can be nice to retreat away, but in the end we all have to figure out how to function with others. She had to change her mindset of thinking her power to turn things to ice and snow was a curse to something that could be beneficial for herself and others. The true love of her sister was the catalyst that helped her to see the good in her powers. So I am working on no longer wallowing around in my own grief and pain and taking this opportunity to do a couple of things: celebrate what we had, celebrate who I am, and figure out what the next steps are.


I still think that there was more good than bad, but in the end it was the bad that won out even if it was in the minority of the issues. (That stupid 70% rule again!) I suppose that's how it goes a lot of the time. Sometimes we get so caught up in the paper cut on our one finger that we forget that the rest of our hand is perfectly fine and functional because even though it's small, that paper cut really hurts! I do really miss him, but am wondering if I am once again the victim of hoping for more than he was ever willing to give. I am really good at projecting what I hope someone could be more than who they want to be. So let's start with all the things that were great about that relationship. Until the past couple of months, I thought we were really connected. We are both educators in some way, and it was always nice to be able to speak education-ese together. We had a favorite band, Switchfoot, that we followed. I enjoyed going to those concerts together; it was always a special bonding time. We did karate, church, and many outdoors activities together like skiing and hiking. He was kind and complimentary. There were many times when I needed to just talk about something, and he was good at listening without interruption. I always liked after one of these times when he would ask if I wanted him to do anything to help fix the situation or had I just needed a listening ear. We shared many great experiences and went to some incredibly fun events together. I really am going to miss all of those things. The beauty of our relationship was that it was not a traditional relationship, which I am not very good at maintaining. We didn't live together; we weren't planning to get married. We saw each other when we could, and we seemed to be able to make up our own rules for the relationship, at least until recently. I honestly thought we would be able to go the distance since it was such a free-formed relationship.



I know some of you have been worried about me and my ability to like and accept myself. While I do admit to feeling sad and lonely right now, I do know how to be alone, and it really isn't a problem for me. I don't need a man to make me feel complete. I do like having someone with whom I can spend some time, but that's just a perk to
life. I've been divorced for 10 years now, and it's really been 11 since I have been on my own. Before that, I was on my own for many years. I like my space. I have no desire to have someone come move in with me. I really don't think I ever want to be married again, and that certainly was not something I was asking for in the last relationship. I just wanted someone who would include me in all aspects of his life and that maybe someday might consider giving me a ring as a symbol that we were committed to each other. It didn't have to be expensive or even a diamond. It could have cost $10 for all I cared. I just wanted that small material token. In the end, I don't think the ring was the deal breaker. Aside from the blogging, which I think has become the convenient excuse and reason to vilify me, I think I know what the deal breaker was for him, but he won't confirm that, and it really is something too private to share here. My head knows that this relationship has run its course, and quite honestly if someone else was telling me this story, I would tell them it's time to let go. However, my heart is still not there yet. I am getting better each day, but the thought that I won't have that closeness I once shared with this person has really broken my heart. I think I may have hoped for too much that he wasn't willing to give.The hardest part for me is not wanting to ever give up, but knowing that he gave up on me, on us, is what hurts the most. I don't ever want to give up on someone that I truly love, but there comes a time when you realize that nothing you can say or do is going to make one damn bit of a difference. In fact, the more I have tried to make things better or work them out, the more he has retreated away until now he won't even communicate with me by any means, which in itself becomes a form of communication.



So, where do I go from here? If he came back tomorrow and said he would like to fix things, I think I would still do it. I think there are things like my mindset that I would be willing to change. I think there are things that I can still work on to be better at within a relationship. I have offered to change things about myself that are worth changing because we all have areas that need work; I have offered forgiveness; I have offered apologies; I have offered to look at things and approach them in a new way; I have given space; I have tried to communicate; I have asked questions; I have offered solutions; I have asked what he wanted; and none of those has been the right thing. At one time, it was possible to work on whatever needed to be worked on with this person, but now it is a total shut out. There will be no fixing of any more light bulbs; we are apparently going house shopping! (See quote to the right if you are confused.) The likelihood that he would ever even want to speak to me again is pretty slim, and his responses to things like I miss you or you are losing me have not been anything close to reciprocal;even I love you is met with nothing. So it is time to forge a new path. I am not wishing this person ill-will. I wish he would have been more open-minded and truthful about what he really did or did not want or what he was willing to give or not give emotionally within a relationship, but there is no point in dwelling on what we wish for rather than what is. What was it Richard from Texas said to Elizabeth Gilbert in Eat, Pray, Love? Oh yes, "You have to stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone ought to be."


So here I am ready to tackle the unknown and let this one go. It's funny as word has gotten out that I may be available how people like to help out! The other night at karate, I was talking to a dad of one of our younger students. This guy is a big, burly soldier who has admitted that he doesn't talk to civilians much, but he likes to talk to me. He can't ever imagine anyone not liking me or ever being mean to me. This was all said without knowing what is going on. I said something like well funny you would say that right now because I'm pretty sure there is at least one person out there who is not so enamored with me. I filled him in that the guy I've been dating had broken up with me. He then asked if I would like it if he fixed me up with one of his soldiers. I was a little non-committal as I am not really ready to start dating again, but I said he could keep an eye out. He said he would and then added that if I did start dating one of his soldier friends, he would kick his ass if I was ever mistreated by one of his people. It was cute and somewhat scary all at the same time! We'll see what happens. You know that other thing Richard from Texas said as he was leaving the ashram and reminding Elizabeth Gilbert to find someone else to love someday, "Sometimes the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else." Oh dear! I'm not ready for that yet, but it does make bring a smile to my face, which is a step in the right direction towards letting it go!

Moving Forward

I get it. I broke his rule and am now suffering the consequences. His decision was unilateral, and it was obvious from our brief conversation on the 19th that he had made up his mind before we even spoke, and there would be no changing it. I really didn't say much once I could hear his quiet anger. He didn't yell, but his disapproval is still weighing heavily on me; it's a constant pit in my stomach, choke in my throat, and pressure upon my entire body. He said he understood my need to process, but that he has a right to privacy and that is very important to him, so our relationship is over. He's not wrong. He does have a right to keep his own issues private. I have to tell you that the fact that I hurt him by writing is killing my soul today. I honestly feel horrible.

In the 6 years of previous dating, I never wrote much about him. I wrote about concerts or activities we went to, but didn't say anything if things were down. There have been other down times, so why not write about them? Because he was always willing to talk and communicate. I had been so completely cut off from his life recently, and my one or two friends with whom I was allowed to speak to had no answers for me. I was tearing myself apart. I knew I was overwhelming him. I knew I was freaking out. I had to get out what was haunting my very existence. I felt better after each previous blog. I felt like I had released a bit of the anxiety that had been plaguing me. I really was trying to solve the problem. I wanted to work it out. I told my one friend just hours before talking to him that I just wanted peace. I wanted to go back, hit reset, and figure out a way to move forward together. I still figured it was a long shot, but I wasn't expecting absolutely no negotiation during our discussion. It is just over, and his request when we spoke was that I be kind and respectful. I feel that I had tried very hard to be both of those things. The previous posts weren't hateful nor were they full of blame towards him. I think I haven't been as kind or respectful to myself, and I certainly don't have kind or respectful thoughts towards myself now either. He said he knows he has non-fans amongst my friends, but no one has commented either publicly or privately about him negatively. The comments I have received have been for me to try to recognize my own value and that relationships are just all hard no matter their length.  I tried to write my own story. Any examples I gave were generalistic, and there were many things left unsaid. My intent was not to hurt or harm, but to figure things out as best as I could alone.

He started by saying he had read my blogs and 2 things really struck him. He said that I couldn't retract all those things I said I wanted even though I personally really had let them go. But, what struck him most was the 70%. He thought I deserved 100%, but with him in the picture I would never be able to have more than 70%. I did say that I still don't believe that 100% is possible. It's a fairy tale, a myth. No one gets everything they want in a relationship and to set up the expectation that that's all any of us deserve is unrealistic. There has to be give and take, and there are always going to be things that each person isn't going to care for in the other. But I certainly am not going to force someone to be with me if he truly doesn't want to be. Begging in desperation doesn't do anybody any good. He didn't want to say anything else for fear it will end up here. Again, I get it. I didn't honor what he had asked, but the reason I started writing here is because I didn't know what else to do. I know I could have written in a private journal, but that doesn't work for me. I had to share my story for me, not to blame him or hate on him. I don't hate him. I still really love him and honestly still want to work it out, but I also clearly hear that is never going to happen.

He did ask me what I wanted at the start of the conversation. I said that I missed my friend. I didn't want to fight anymore, and I just wanted to work things out. I am not really sure why he bothered to put me through all of this when he had already clearly made up his mind. From his perspective, I think it was his way of letting me have my say, even though it wasn't going to make a difference. At the end of the conversation, he said he still really loved and cared for me. But those words feel empty to me. My definition of loving someone doesn't mean I give up on them when times get tough or when someone does something I don't like. That is bound to happen in any relationship. Love for me is unconditional. It means working together and not giving up on each other or shutting each other out. He said he still wanted to be friends, but I'm not sure how that is going to work out when he is now constantly worried about the privacy issue, which is something I only violated when I felt I could no longer turn to him. If we could have worked out, my only reporting back to you all would have been that we are going to work together to make things better.

Today, I'm just overwhelmed with my own grief. I know that in the end if he doesn't want to be with me, then I shouldn't want to be with him. But right now, I feel broken and torn apart and like there really must be something inherently wrong with me. I feel like a total failure. I think there is something wrong with me and my ability to carry on a quality relationship. I'm pretty sure I'm the worst person, and I am wondering how anyone is going to ever want all the things that are me. If I was the best relationship he ever had, why am I not worth fighting for? Why can't I ever get past this certain point in any relationship? What is it that I'm doing incorrectly? What do I still need to learn?


  I feel like right now I am kind of just whining. I am sorry if it comes across that way. I am trying to hold myself together. Going to work on the 20th was hard. I spent much of the day trying not to cry. I was ok as long as I had students in the room, or if I was around other people. Any time I was alone with my thoughts, I was just a pile of mush. I almost didn't write this blog because of the fear of hurting him more. But the brutality of again not being able to discuss anything was physically crushing me.  I have had comments that what I have done in writing my story shows great courage. While I certainly don't feel courageous, I appreciate that others feel like they can learn something from all of this. It was never my intention for it to come at the expense of someone else. As a teacher, it is what I strive for. I have never been that person always perfectly poised and graceful. I'm a dork. I feel like I bumble through life always Taking the Long Way.  But sometimes, I think that bumbling dorkiness is what makes it so I can't be part of a relationship. I become an embarrassment and a liability, which is what I believe has happened here. Again, I get in the grand scheme of things I broke his rule by being public; my embarrassing revelations have threatened his credibility. And for that I will always be apologetic. However, in that same grand scheme of the world, what I did or anything leading up to writing publicly by asking questions doesn't feel like it should be a deal breaker.

When I am not sure what to do with myself, I look towards mentors and other teachers to help me. I think of the famous WWJD - What Would Jesus Do? saying. I think Jesus would have offered forgiveness. I know he would have offered forgiveness to the other person, which is what I tried to do by changing my mindset, but that was never going to be received or acted upon by the other person. I have learned from my past that if only one person wants to work on a relationship, there is no relationship on which to work. I think I now need to work on the forgiveness of myself. Of course, if you know me at all, I have thought about what would Elizabeth Gilbert do? You know, ironically right now, she is going through a tough time and separation from her guy. She hasn't said much publicly, but I am sure she is writing privately. I suppose that's where I went wrong with my struggle is that I made it public. Even though my intentions were good, I still ended up hurting someone I didn't want to hurt. For that I will always be extremely apologetic. I have recently also turned to studying Dr. Brene Brown. I have watched her TEDx talk: The Power of Vulnerability a handful of times now. I definitely need to watch many more times. I am apparently fine with showing my vulnerability to others; my struggle here lies in not thinking that I am enough.I have to learn to love myself. Today is not that day, but I'll work on it. A good friend just this morning talked about a friend of hers who never felt like she could keep herself in a relationship, so she started dating herself. She would take herself out to do the things that she really wanted to do regardless of having anyone accompany her. In doing so, she found herself and then found someone who loved and appreciated her as well. Not a bad idea. Maybe I will give it a try.

I don't feel like I have to run out and find my next dating victim any time soon. I don't have a fear of being alone or doing things by myself. I have always been overly independent. I think dating a firefighter would be a good plan for me. I have never been good at having someone who is always around or constantly at my side; I could be completely accepting of a schedule that had someone unavailable for longer shifts of time.; ) He mentioned that now I could have you all start setting me up a little too facetiously. I really don't feel ready for that at all.The thought of setting up a dating profile or even going on a date right now makes me feel physically sick. I think for now, I'm going to continue to teach, do karate, hang out with my kids, and maybe pick up another job to help pay for that new furnace and air conditioning and maybe a trip to Italy with a student group next summer! Maybe I'll actually keep writing about all those things that I have been meaning to write about but haven't the last couple of years. Things that don't involve whining about my dating misfortunes! I have already been formulating my next posts: more about vulnerability and that darn 70% consensus rule.

Again thanks to all of you for your love and support. I really haven't had one person say bad things about my (former) guy; it has all been support towards me and helping to build me up. It has meant more to me than I could possibly say. If I have hurt anyone by my words, I am truly sorry. That was never my intent. I'm just trying to keep some semblance of sanity in my life. And now, I suppose we are all on this journey together because I seem to have found my writing voice again, and you have become my audience. Thanks for reading!

Changing my Mindset

I really missed him badly on Thursday. I had to take the day off from work to have a new furnace installed in my house, so I'm wasn't distracted by the busy-ness of teaching students all day. He's actually out of town, so the desire to ask him to lunch wouldn't have worked anyway. But I do miss my friend these days. I would love to call him up and invite him to a movie or just some down time together. There's a movie out now that I know we would both like to see. I just don't think these things are possible anymore. He says he wants to be friends no matter what happens, but being handed the friend card is a different kind of friendship than what we shared before.

What do I not yet know about myself or what have I not yet learned? I think I'm just going through the grief process, which would be normal, right? I still feel so undecided about what I would like to have happen.

On one hand, I totally get that if someone doesn't want to be with me, then I shouldn't want to be with that person either. I am sure in time, I could find someone with whom I might want to spend some time. I'm not sure that I feel willing at this point to ever put myself totally out there again, but maybe that part of me will heal eventually. I know he's busy with work and travel and taking care of his own children, but in the past we have always been able to come to some sort of a balance with all of these things. I shouldn't want to be with someone who really doesn't have the time or desire to make the time for me. I think it really comes down to I exhausted him to the point of overwhelming-ness. The writing has been on the wall. He has said, "I'm not that guy," and "You should find someone else." Clearly I should really move on, but I feel so stuck at wanting to at least try to make things be better.

But what if we tried to make things better? Would we eventually just fall into our same old behavior patterns? Are our personalities so unchangeable that change really cannot ever be possible? What if both people worked really hard to try to pave a new path? What if 70% happy is the best we can hope for? I still think it's not that horrible. I could live with the 70% I used to have: the familiarity, the comfortableness of knowing what he would most likely do or say. Even if I didn't always like everything, at least it was only 30% undesirable. I think knowing what I know now, I could do that. I might be willing to go back to our relationship before he asked me what I wanted, and I replied, and then it seemed to all fall apart.

But should I want someone who can't even commit to the small things I asked for? I didn't feel like it was that much, but there are times now when I wish I would have kept my thoughts to myself. Right now I miss my friend so much that I really would be willing to just go back to where we were in January and hit the reset button. I know I don't need a man to be complete or whole or anything like Jerry Maguire told us, but it's nice to have a person to turn to and share things with. It's nice to have a standing date to some things or to get to go to special places with the same person each time so that you are building that memory bank.

Again, we're not talking about the worst person in the world here. He's overall a very nice and decent human being. He's not a beater, a cheater, or a substance abuser. He tries to compliment me all the time. I'm the one who doesn't receive them well. What if it really is me? What if by saying what I wanted, I set some stupidly high expectation that he had no chance of ever meeting because it just wasn't in his realm of possibilities. At the end of the day, I can live with going back to a happier time and relaxing into what I know and enjoy. I don't have to be more connected to him or more a part of his life, and I certainly don't need a ring to enjoy his company or to enjoy spending time with him. I just want peace and to not feel so sad all the time.

My teaching teammate recently put up a bulletin board about changing your mindset. He had the first 9 up there on the window, but said he needed one more to fill the last spot because it looked empty. I thought of the "I'm Stuck" one. What I had in mind was a student who had emailed me about an assignment and said she was stuck on completing a map. My response to her was "What did you do to try to solve your own problem?" I mean, these kids have unlimited access to information all the time. It's not like when I was a kid, and we all shared the one set of encyclopedias that one neighbor had. Then I started thinking of my own situation of feeling stuck. When I went back into work on Friday, he had put up the last one and his version of the new mindset, "I can problem solve to overcome my challenges," was perfect. So what else can I try to overcome this challenge of not knowing what to do or to fix what has gone wrong, if that's even a possibility. In other words, is there something different I can do?

You know, so much of life is perception. I certainly have my perception of how things have gone, but he has his own perception, which I think is very different from mine. One friend said, "Maybe he will get his head out of his ass," and things will get back to where they used to be. But what if it's me who could get my head out of where it doesn't belong? Maybe to him this has just looked like a 3 to 5 month long panic attack where the harder I have tried to fix things, the more I have become obsessed with it. What if that obsessive anxiety-driven need to make it better has really made it worse? You know how when your children have a temper tantrum, the best thing to do is let them just have the tantrum while you ignore it because then it will just run its course, and you can talk later when you're both calmer? Maybe that's what I need to do. I've had my time to get out the crazy and now that we have both have had time to let things be calm and apart, we can try to figure out a new way to move forward??

All of this is just hypothetical at this point. I still really haven't spoken to him in a week or more. We had a brief email exchange about something business/teaching related, but I didn't mention anything personal. I am just trying to honor that space he has asked for. I know many of you are still going to say I shouldn't settle, and I completely love you for saying and thinking so. I am not thinking of it as settling though. I am thinking of working the problem. If after trying a new mindset, things are irretrievably broken, then we could move on. I get that the risk here is that there could be more pain later on, but maybe I would feel like there was some effort on my part. Again, he might have already completely kicked me to the curb, especially because I have made this public, so then you can all start setting me up with whomever you would think might be willing to put up with my brand of crazy because there is no way I trust me to choose for myself!

Follow-Up to Questions

I have been wanting to get back to blogging for a long time now, but I wasn't expecting it to be several posts within a couple of days. I have had such an outpouring of support and love from all of you; I felt like I needed to write a follow up post.

First, I want to thank those of you who have commented on the blog, on Facebook, sent me texts, and Messengers. I have seen some of you in person and have received nothing but love. I can't even tell you how much all of that means to me. You are all so important and special to me in so many ways. I have heard from people I haven't seen in years to people I just saw today. I feel truly blessed to be surrounded by such an amazing plethora of love and encouragement.

I love that you have all turned into cheerleaders for my self worth. I have always struggled with feeling anything more than adequate, so this is nothing new. I will continue to work on this, but my questioning if I am really worthy of something better is not a recent occurrence. Given my track record, especially in the realm of relationships with the opposite sex, it is something I come by honestly. I had a dad who has never said he was proud of me and a stepdad who was verbally abusive, both alcoholics. My track record with men has been less than stellar. I have experienced a string of alcoholics, cheaters, liars, and those who had less than good intentions. I once saw the actress, Ellen Burstyn, on Oprah. She said she was a magnet for the wrong guy. She could stand in a room of 100 men. Ninety nine of those men could have been saints, and she was going to attract the one alcoholic beater in the room. I feel the same way about myself. If left to my own devices, I'm going to keep choosing the same unsavory character as if I'm still trying to work out that part of my childhood, even though I've gone to counseling twice (once in college and once during my divorce). Remember that my sister pointed me in the direction of my guy. They had worked together and she knew he was different than the string of my own choices.

This relationship has been the healthiest one I've ever had. Have there been problems? Yes, of course. I think that happens anytime you put two people together. There are things about this guy that infuriate me, as I am sure there are things about me that infuriate him. However, in general there have been more good times than bad. He has treated me well for the most part. Are there areas for improvement? Again the answer is yes, but I could improve in ways as well.

Many of you have said to listen to my heart and I will know what to do. The problem is that I don't know. I still really miss my guy. I do actually love him and enjoy being around him. I pointed out some of the commonalities in the past post, and I think generally that we made a good pair. And again, I think this is probably as good as it's going to get for me. I don't think settling for the best relationship I've been in is selling myself as short as it may seem. I don't believe in Prince Charming for me. My sister was able to break free of our dad past and found the most amazing man, but I have yet to get there and where I look out from life, I just don't foresee that happening for me. My guy and I have a relationship that for the most part works for us, at least 70% of the time, so why can't we reach consensus? At the end of the day, the things that seem to have driven us apart are not deal breakers. Why can't we make this work?

The answers to these questions are still elusive, which is why I have so many questions. I still feel that getting answers is probably unlikely. I have been shut out of my guy's life lately. I am trying to stay out of it as he has said he needs some space. I have become overwhelming with my amount of questions, and his work has gotten to be a burden. I totally get that if you really want to be in someone's life, you will be. There are things lately that have lead me to believe, this really won't last or work out. I also totally get that I'm allowed to want things for myself in a relationship, and I shouldn't apologize for wanting these things. I get that I don't have to be part of a couple to be whole, although it is nice when it is working well. It's one of those niceties in life versus a necessary. I did actually try to end things with my guy back in July when it seemed that he really didn't want the things that I wanted. I felt at peace about it and was ready to move on all by myself. However, we had a meeting, and he said he wanted the things that I wanted. He even brought up the possibility of a ring recently, which had previously been completely unthinkable for him. So why all the sudden changes? That's where most of the questions have stemmed from, but now he won't communicate and says he's not the guy for me. Again, I totally get that I shouldn't and don't want to be in someone's life who doesn't want me there or who doesn't want to be there for me. I do get all of these things.

But what if....

What if we could hit the reset button and create a different future together? Wouldn't that be ideal? I would do that. I would be willing to compromise or collaborate or work towards that 70% consensus rule. Couldn't we work towards finding peace together? If we could both give and take, wouldn't that be the ideal ending or new beginning? I would really like that. I really hate the thought of giving up without even trying. I thought we were trying to work things out, but then it ended abruptly. I didn't want to keep doing what we were doing, but I was trying to work the problem, not just have it be over.

Just so you all know, the answer to all of these questions is most likely moot at this point. In going public and sharing with more than one person, I have broken one of his cardinal rules. I have no idea if he has read any of this. I am sure that he will eventually, and when he does, he is not going to be pleased. He doesn't want struggles to be public, and he fears embarrassment and loss of credibility. He will see all of this as a breach of those things. I am sure that I have already sealed my own fate. Again, I totally get that I shouldn't want to be with someone who tries to control what I say or do.

I do know all of these things, and yet remain undecided. I guess I would just like a chance to try to make things better. Then if after we've tried a new plan and feel like we've exhausted all possibilities, things are still not going to work, then we can say at least we tried. Again, I don't know. I think he would say he did try things, and I asked too many questions. I really am at a loss, thus the blogging! : )

I love all of you for lovingly reminding me of all the things I have had questions about. I do so appreciate all of you. Maybe I will continue to make the time to write about things that are not as heavy-hearted!

Questions That Might be Better Left Unanswered

The guy I've been dating for the past 6 years recently broke up with me. I know the tendency in a break up is to look at the other person and assign blame. While I don't think he's blameless, I can't say that I am either. Yes, he was the one that ended it, but I wasn't happy either. I wanted to be, but the problem is that I wanted things that he didn't seem to want as well. He had said he did, especially recently, and then it seemed like maybe those things were just never going to happen and eventually drove us apart. Now he says he doesn't want those things and can't be that person for me. They weren't horrible things; they weren't highly demanding things. I just wanted to be more connected and to maybe someday receive a material symbol of our commitment to each other. I didn't want to be married or move in together. I just wanted a ring as a symbol of our togetherness. It didn't even have to be expensive. At first the connectedness seemed to be possible, although the ring was not something he felt like he could do. For a time, I felt like we were moving towards being more connected. Especially from the end of last year until about early June, I felt crazy in love with him, more than in the previous years of dating. There seemed to be hope that we could at least build a life together more than him being just a person I dated. That life didn't have to be the traditional plan a wedding, get married, move in together, etc. I realized a long time ago that I am not really cut out for the traditional relationship plan. The whole old white men telling the woman what to do, doesn't sit well with me. That was the beauty of this relationship is that he didn't want the traditional path either. I had hope that we could build our own future together outside the constraints of what others said was the path we were supposed to take. However, hope can be as destructive an item as much as a constructive item.

I'm not writing this article to assign blame to the other person. I don't think he's a malicious person or a bad person; things just went terribly wrong in a relatively short period of time. I don't think there was cheating. He didn't tell me I was stupid or worthless. It actually seems like the more I tried to fix things or figure things out, the worse it became. I feel as if I was almost in self-destruction mode.The more questions I had and the more I tried to seek the answers to those questions, the more of a nuisance I became until he basically had enough. I would have liked answers to these questions, but it is unlikely that I will ever receive them. This is the place where I get to ask them and just know that they have been asked and then I can move on.

Honestly at this point, I am really questioning my ability to ever have any type of successful relationship. Am I not the common denominator in all these relationships that haven't worked out? I understand that relationships take work and that there is no perfect relationship. I have been looking at friends lately and asking questions and examining what might make a relationship work. I am supposed to meet with my guy after the 19th to either bring closure to our relationship and/or decide how we want to move forward. I don't think reconciliation is possible. Should I even want reconciliation? I know many of my friends would say, "No." They say I deserve better. I can find someone who would be willing to give me the things that I want. But what if I already had better? What if I won't ever be able to find a guy who would be willing to give me the things that I want? What if I need to let go of the things that I wanted? What if this is as good as it gets for me? Is settling really the worst thing in the world? Don't I teach my students about collaboration, conflict resolution, and consensus? Those things take compromise and each team member does not get everything they want. It's about learning to live with what can be acceptable for each person at least at the 70% level. So if each person can feel satisfied with the decisions being made 70% of the time, then the group should agree and move forward. One hundred percent is not the goal, nor should it be.

I know what I just wrote is going to cause an uproar amongst many of my friends. One friend would point out that she has thought for a long time that I should not be with my guy. But she is also cute and young and has no children.She has a sweet guy. I love her dearly, but life looks very different at 28 than at 46 with 2 children and a failed marriage and pretty much every other relationship that ends up having a shelf life after a certain point. Other friends say that he could treat me better. What if I could treat him better as well? Does he have shortcomings, yes. He can be fairly oblivious with both time and how what he says and does affects me. He is not a planner and I am. I do feel like sometimes he says one thing but his actions don't say the same things. But I am not perfect either. I can be very rigid; I'm a perfectionist. When I feel wronged or hurt, I can sometimes hold on to that for far too long. I think I come off as neurotic quite often. I have fairly severe OCD and struggle with massive amounts of anxiety. He has said that anxiety can be off-putting. I think a lot of what the problem is for right now, past the inability to give me the things that I want, that I cannot let go of the questions in my mind about some things that have occurred lately. Then he feels put on the defensive because I am constantly questioning what is happening. Yet, are any of these things deal breakers? Are any of these reasons for us to move on to other people? Do I want to even date someone else again? Won't I just choose the same person as my dad or ex-husband, who were most definitely not good? I'm pretty sure that if left to my own devices I'm going to choose someone who going to be a guy like that. I don't trust myself to choose the right person. My sister choose my guy this time around. I think that's why it lasted so long and was probably the healthiest relationship I've ever had. I don't think I have what it takes to choose a guy who would want to commit to me the way I might ever want. I don't know how people choose those right people. It is not something within my skill set.

As I've looked at other relationships and asked people questions, what I've discovered is that even the relationships that look rock solid have ups and downs. Two different couples I know who have been married at least 20 years have said, it really is just about both not giving up at the same time. I have heard that they have seen each other through some dark times and worked through the problems enough and that they made it through together. I have really struggled with the just giving up part of this whole thing. I have always been the person that wants to continue to fix it. But I also know that if only one person wants to make it work, that not enough in a relationship. If my guy and I were married, would we keep working to stay together? Would we be able to reach some kind of compromise or consensus? Should we work for these things? Is there really someone out there who would choose me? Is there someone who would still love me and want to be around me through my anxiety-ridden episodes where I question the whole world? Will I ever be worth the risk for someone? What if my story isn't a fully committed relationship? What if this is as good as it gets for me? Can I accept this person at least 70% of the time? I don't know. I seriously doubt that these things are for me. I think they are for other people, but not for me.

We have had some really good times together. We both love hiking and recently climbed a 14,000' mountain together, which was a monumental day. We used to do karate together and are both black belts, although he has said he is no longer interested in continuing with karate. We are both educators, so we speak a lot of the same language. We have a common band that we love and have attended many concerts to see them that have always been a highlight. We have traveled well together. There are more good memories than bad.

What if I took all of my wants off the table? What if we could forge a new future together? Would he even want to? I kind of don't think so, but I wish that he would be willing to at least entertain some of these ideas. I would love to have a conversation after the 19th that was calm and reasonable and could set a tone of where we maybe could go from here. I do really miss him, but when I recently sent him a text to tell him so, his answer wasn't reciprocal. I think I have exhausted him with my me-ness. I love him, but is it at the point where love and hope are just at the destructive stage?

I'm always nervous releasing these posts into the world, but they seem to be a way for me to reach resolution for myself. I obviously don't write that often. The last couple of posts are more from when I have hit a bottom, and I have no other outlet but to write it out. I know I could just not publish these posts, but that doesn't give me resolution. I'm nervous about what will happen in the release of this post. My guy is not a fan of social media and will not be pleased that I have disclosed any of these things, but I figure he's already gone and hasn't been willing to work these things out with me. I have resorted to what works for me. There is also the fear of vulnerability in releasing these most private of thoughts. I like to appear strong and put together, but I'm human like anyone else and writing and releasing these thoughts into the world is what gives me peace. Finally, I fear all the comments that people will be making. I'm such a people pleaser that I worry about who I may have offended by writing these words. I'm sorry if I have somehow offended you by writing what I have written. I'm not writing to be malicious or hurtful. It's my way of processing my world. Please be gentle with any comments you may have. Thank you for reading.

What's the Plan?

I 

A friend posted this picture on Facebook the other day. I laughed out loud when I saw it because I can completely identify. I have spent a good part of the last nine months in that same spot as the guy in the boat. I am down in the pit, stuck in the water, and I don't even seem to have a paddle with which to propel myself in any direction and it appears that if I did, I would just meet slippery slope on either side. How am I ever going to move myself forward or dig myself out???

I know I am supposed to trust God and his plan for my life. "¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV) I understand this with my head and with my heart, but being an extreme planner and a bit of a control freak, it is hard to just sit still with this and not want to go, go, go, and do, do, do. 

I recently heard Rick Warren (author of The Purpose Driven Life) on The View of all places saying that when we pray the Lord's Prayer we should really focus on the part that says, "Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven." God's will is always done in heaven, but rarely on earth. We humans always want to have our hands in the pie. 

I know I am supposed to be still and not to worry.... just rest in the Lord. Yet my ego seems to get in the way often. I am a doer, a planner, a move forward at all costs kind of person. I am rarely still and telling me not to worry is like telling the sun not to rise in the east. My life verse has always been Philippians 4:6-7

⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.(NIV) I know these things. I can do these things. I have been praying and petitioning for days now.

I am about to go to an interview as an instructional coach for a local school district for their virtual academy. I would be lying if I didn't say that I want this job so badly! I have been searching for a long time. Mostly since July when I the teaching assistant job I was doing online was eliminated. I loved teaching online. I just love being an educator. It is not that I am not thankful for my housecleaning business. It has sustained us for almost 12 years now. But I am so ready to get back into education full time again. I am teacher at heart. I was that nerdy kid that did my homework first thing every afternoon and wanted to play school with my friends instead of playing games or running around outside. 

In my typical thought patterns,  I always think what would Elizabeth Gilbert do in this situation. She would pray or actually meditate. I have not even begun to attempt meditation yet, but prayer is second nature. Ever since one of my old camp instructors reminded me years ago that God is always with us. We don't need to pray, "God be with us." We can pray, "Thank you God for always being near, or Help us to really feel your presence." Prayer for me is a constant inner dialog or conversation with God. I have been talking non-stop to God since Tuesday morning when I received the call for the interview. 

The other thing Liz Gilbert would do is to actually write out her prayer. In Chapter 14 Eat, Pray, Love, she wrote about writing out an actual prayer to God to help in the resolution of her divorce. She and her friend the "signed it" in their hearts. 

Here is my prayer: 

Dear God,

I know I don't have to tell you how much I really want this instructional coach position, but I am going to say it again anyway. With that being said, I must also say that I want your will to be done in my life. Whatever the outcome of this interview, I will continue to try to walk the path that you have for my life. But I do believe that I am perfectly suited for this job. I am a teacher's teacher. I want to continue to serve you, by serving others. This is a job where I can use all the previous experiences in my life to help others to learn and grow and be their best selves. I also believe that I will learn and grow in the process of  helping these teachers. I have the heart of a teacher and want to share that with others. If it is truly your will that I land this job, please give me the right words to say in there. Make my heart calm and really let me feel your presence. I know you will be right beside me. I thank you for all that I have gone through up to this point even though the last year or so has really been a struggle. I know it has all made me stronger. You only have my best interests in mind. Thank you for loving me and guiding me. 

Amen

I have signed this in my heart and I am sure my readers will too. I can think of all of those friends and family who have sent me texts, Facebook messages, calls and hugs. I am truly a blessed soul!

Off I go...

In Search of Coffee

Up until now, I have not been similar to those of my generation who are hugantic coffee drinkers. I found it bitter and hot and generally not my thing. However, when I was in Las Vegas earlier this year celebrating a good friend's 40th birthday, my guy and I went out to a nice restaurant together for dinner one night. After a delicious meal, we were offered coffee. I said I would try as long as I could doctor it with cream and sugar. They brought out all of the fixings and our own little pots of coffee. Since then I have been hooked.

So I have started trying to navigate the Starbucks coffee menu, which is daunting at best. Most of the time I approach the barista and say that I am Starbucks virgin and need help ordering something not too overwhelmingly coffee-ish with lots of cream and sweetness. Unfortunately several times, I have gotten the new girl on the block who really has not been much help at all, always sweet, but not helpful in my quest for what my taste buds are after.

A couple of weeks ago, I went in and the new girl helped me to order a grande latte, which normally comes with two shots of espresso. It was way to bitter and full of coffee taste. It was also too hot for me to drink. I brought it home, halved it into two mugs and began the doctoring process. I added lots more milk, chocolate syrup, sugar, almond extract, and even a little cinnamon. It was very tasty, but I am sure huge on the calories!

About a week later, I tried again. This barista was more helpful in guiding me to a grande mocha with only one shot of espresso and whipped cream. I really liked that one. Although, I had to let it cool considerably before I could fully enjoy it. What added to my low coffee ordering self esteem was the lady who ordered after me. She said some intricate order which included the words upside down. Upside down? Whatever on earth did that mean?

My mom pointed out when I told her of my latest more successful attempt that the whipped cream has a lot of calories. I said she was probably right, but it couldn't be as much as I had put in that first attempt when I doctored it at home! She nodded!

My guy and I tried again last weekend at the Barnes and Noble Starbucks. Finally a quiet atmosphere and a very helpful barista! She taught us some new Starbucks vocabulary, which included the fact that we could order our drinks at "kid temperature" if we didn't like it scald-your-mouth-and-throat hot. Then we asked her what upside down meant. She said it only meant that the shots of flavoring were put in last rather than first as some people prefer to have them mixed in from the top rather than the bottom. How much simpler that was than whatever I was imagining. Where do people learn all this stuff? Hopefully they stumble upon helpful baristas such as this nice lady!

I did again order my grande mocha with only one shot of espresso and whipped cream with equal success. I don't even feel the need to add extra sugar. Although my guy thought that I should have; he said it was too bitter, but he likes things even sweeter than I do. He had ordered the salted caramel something or other. It was all right to my tastes, only just a bit heavy on the nutty flavor. Plus my guy said that at the end it was way too salty because all the sea salt she had sprinkled on top had settled to the bottom. I didn't taste it at the end, but would have to say a bit of an "eww" to that one!

Maybe I have found my magic concoction. I don't know if I dare to try something different lest it make me shiver and quiver with unnecessary bitterness! Let me know if you have a favorite brew or some new vocabulary for me to learn in this silly new search of mine!

Taking the Long Way

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UtqwL-ZPhAA

One time when we were visiting my cousin and other family in South Dakota, we drove up to see her house in Minnesota. On the way there, we were listening to some of the Dixie Chicks music. Ready to Run came on and my sister, the one we used to call the Dismisser because she had a knack for dismissing guys quickly if they showed any red flags, said, "This is my theme song!" We all laughed.

 I said, "I think mine would be Wide Open Spaces," to which the other two nodded because I am so fiercely independent.

My cousin, who was going through her divorce at the time, said, "Mine is Goodbye Earl!" We all laughed together over the joke. Even though we didn't kill her soon-to-be ex-husband, we had certainly thought about causing him harm since he had hurt our beloved so much.

I know they are controversial at times, but the Dixie Chicks write music with which I can identify. I love their blended harmonies, the fact that they play their own instruments, write most of their own songs, and live life on their own terms, not on the terms of what men tell them to do. While I still love Wide Open Spaces, I feel more that my theme song for the last at least six years has been Taking the Long Way.

Taking the Long Way seems to be what I do these days, and really for most of my life. I am not one to do it like everybody else for sure. I am often at odds with the establishment, especially if that establishment involves men trying to tell me what to do and think and feel. I don't hate men, but I do have trouble with patriarchal thinking.

My favorite part of the song is the bridge where they sing, "Well I never seem to do it like anybody else. Maybe someday, someday I'm gonna settle down. But if you ever want to find me, I can still be found, taking the long way, taking the long way around."

That really is me. I have definitely not followed the path of everybody else in my marriage, my career, how I raise my kids, or even how I am as a single mom. I can't seem to find it in me to settle down and have a traditional relationship like everyone says I am supposed to do. Even though I like rules and guidelines, sometimes, I make up my own rules and guidelines for my own life. I really am overly independent and do not love it when others tell me what to do or that what I am doing is wrong or not the way they would do it. I have had guys leave me because of my independent streak, and that is ok with me because it won't work if a person doesn't love you and accept you for who you are. Not to say that at the time of said leaving, it was not painful. In another of their songs, the Dixie Chicks do say that "Time heals everything," which does end up being true in the long run.

Yesterday I turned 41. I had my big 4-0 last year. I find myself in this life now feeling fairly content and at peace. I have my house, my kids, my business and other assundry jobs that all add up to get the bills paid and have a little left over. I feel happy with using Love and Logic with the kids as it keeps us all generally calm. I even bought a newer car recently, so I don't have to worry about breaking down in the old one so much. The kids are about to start new school years, for which they are actually excited. The circle and the cycle continue. I have definitely come out on the better side from all that pain and misery of six years ago. It was not easy, but I kept moving forward, kept trusting in God, and of course, took the long way around!

Eat, Pray, Love

How much do I love this book?

 I cannot even begin to say all the ways this book has touched my heart. It is ironic because I had put off reading it for a while, especially after seeing the movie. The movie is all right, but she comes off as fairly selfish, and I just could not understand how she walked away from her marriage like she did. In the book, of course, she goes into so much more detail and her journey is so self-revelatory that I can see where she is coming from much better. I still think that I would have stuck with my marriage if I were her, even though it was not the best relationship, but having gone through a sad and painful divorce myself, I do also understand why she would not want to be married anymore. One thing Liz Gilbert says is that she would rather live an imperfect life of her own rather than a perfect version of someone else's idea of her life. I know that feeling myself, especially as someone who grew up Christian and even though my husband was unfaithful, I have been shunned by people in the church because of my marital status. I would have saved my own marriage had it been possible, but my husband had no desire to repair things and you cannot have a relationship with only one person. I have had people suggest that I could have/should have done more before and after the end of the marriage.

When I was a little girl, my mom brought home this Sandi Patti cassette tape, and we listened to it mostly in the car on long road trips. It was a live concert Sandi Patti gave and in it she went through her own musical history of different people she wanted to be like when she grew up such as Karen Carpenter or Barbara Streisand. She sang different versions of Jesus Loves Me  as if she were one of these great singers. She said, "I didn't just want to be like Barbara Streisand; I wanted to BE Barbara Streisand!" And then she proceeded to sing Jesus Loves Me as if she were singing People. Well, I don't want to just be like Liz Gilbert; I want to BE Liz Gilbert!

I don't mean that I want to travel to three different countries in a year to find pleasure, God, and balance in my life. I do like to travel, but I don't like to be away from home for that long. I also could not practically be gone from my home and children for a year either. What I do want to be is someone who shares her life with others in the hopes that some life lessons could be passed on. I haven't always lived the easiest life, but I believe that I have been through what I have been through in order to be more empathetic to and for others. Liz Gilbert is so raw and honest in her book. She talks about so many of the things that I have been searching for in my life, especially when she speaks of finding God, cultivating relationships, and finding purpose in her life. I don't know; maybe I am not really all that knowledgeable or interesting, but I do know that ever since I started this blog all I want to write about is personal versus housecleaning or parenting tips, which were my original topics of intent.

I have not written as much as I want because I keep stopping myself. I hesitate because I am afraid... afraid of being judged, afraid of giving away too much personal information, and afraid that I am really not all that interesting or that others really don't want or need to read about my personal reflections on this life so far. 

I would say a word of caution to those considering reading this book. If you are not interested in finding out more about yourself, I would not recommend this book. I am not saying that with any sarcasm. If you are truly happy with who you are and don't have a wandering, seeking, or searching mind, I just do not think that you would get as much out of this book. In addition, if you are someone who is extremely conservative in your religious views and do not have an open mind as to ways to communicate with and/or find God, then I think you might be offended by some of her thoughts on these topics.

I am on my third time through in less than a month, and each time, I have an aha moment about something new. I will think about whether I want to share more about myself and how that might manifest itself in this blog. However, I would love to write and/or publish a book someday just like Liz Gilbert!

Father's Day

Today is Father's Day. Confessedly it is not my favorite holiday. I do not have the best relationship with my father. It has been strained for my whole life, and currently he is not even speaking to me. He is one of those men who never really seems to get it or have any propensity for growing up. I have visited several counselors who have told me to talk to him about those things that make our relationship not the best. I have tried this in the past to no avail. I have tried speaking and writing and ignoring. He is a man who lives in his own world and own reality. He is unable and unwilling to see my point of view and wants only forgiveness without reservation or without reliving or talking through the issues at hand. I have come to the point in my life where this is the best I can do. I can live my life looking forward and having no regrets. I have tried to say my peace in the past and it has only fallen on deaf ears. I will never be able to measure up to the unknown measuring stick he holds for me. I will never be the pride of his life or receive the unconditional love of which he is incapable. In short, I am done with that relationship.

As you can imagine that type of relationship has most definitely affected the rest of my relationships with men. Even though I tried very hard to choose a mate that was different from my father, I ended up choosing exactly the same. Even after my divorce, I seem to keep choosing the same and that is probably why I feel done with even trying to date anyone at this time. A friend of mine compares it to eating something you don't like but continuing to do it over and over anyway. She says if eating Corn Flakes makes you nauseated then stop eating Corn Flakes; in essence choose a different cereal! I joke now when I encounter the same type of man as just another box of Corn Flakes!

My ex-husband now even lives out of the country so I find myself being both mother and father to my two beautiful children. I feel ok about this with my daughter, but it has been a source of angst for me in raising my son. I want him to grow up to be a responsible, caring man full of integrity. I recently read a book, Boys Should be Boys by Dr. Meg Meeker, that has put it into the correct perspective for me. I will review this book in another post, but it has given me the courage and the plan and the sense that I can really do this in the raising of my son.

You might think that with not always having the best relationships with men that I might not like them or put them all into the category of "men suck." However, that really isn't the case for me. A college roommate of mine once told me that everyone is an individual whether male or female and we should approach each person as such. She was right and while I think I knew that deep down inside, her saying it out loud really solidified it for me. I do try to look at each person based on their own merits or lack thereof!

I have this little list of men that are not Corn Flakes. Unfortunately for my relationship life, they are men who are either related to me or are married to some of my best friends. My love for them is purely platonic!

I lived with my maternal grandparents for the first year of my life while my mom finished nursing school. It has been told to me that my grandfather was kind of a hard man with his own five children. Yet, when I arrived on the scene, he melted in a way that only a grandfather seems to be able to do. Sadly, he passed away when I was a little girl. I am certain that he is my guardian angel and looks out for me regularly. I feel his presence in my life everyday. I am reading a book about World War II in the Pacific right now. He served as a corporal in the Pacific, and I have found myself wanting to ask him so many questions. I also wish I could ask him other questions about his life and his life with my grandma. I suppose I am just going to have to wait to get to heaven to be able to have all of those questions answered!

My uncle Allan, my mom's only brother, is another of those wonderful men. He is a father to his own daughter's, but I consider myself an honorary daughter. He was still living at home the year I lived with my grandparents. He also lived with my family for a while when I was in junior high. He is the sweetest of souls. He is the one that does so much of the housework in his own home now. He was the only boy in a house full of four sisters. The sisters now said they purposely made sure that he was domesticated and knew how to treat women properly. I think they did a right, fine job with that.

My sister ended up marrying a man on the list. My aunts used to tease her about being the dismisser when she was dating. She had a knack for being able to see the red flags in a relationship fairly early and sending a would-be suitor on his way. In the end it served her quite well as she was able to choose the right man for herself and now their son. He is a kind, caring, sweet man who has some of the best integrity I have ever seen in a man. Even on his wedding day to my sister, he mentioned that I looked pretty, knowing that I would be self-concious about it since I had just given birth to my son two and a half weeks earlier and my husband was leaving me at the time. He has always been willing to give advice and counsel about things in my life if I ask. He never acts like I am stupid or imposing.

Of course, my mom is the parent whom I choose to celebrate on this holiday every year! My parents didn't even marry until I was two and a half and then were divorced by the time I was eight. She was a single mom even when she was married. She did it all for us and raised us to be strong, independent women. People tease about not wanting to turn out like their mothers. I always take it as a compliment when someone says I am just like my mother. If I had to pick someone to be like in this world, I really can't think of anyone better!

So here's a Happy Father's Day to my grandfather, my uncle, my brother-in-law, and MY MOM! And to those others on my short-list of men who know how to be good partners and best friends to their wives and wonderful, caring, supportive dads to their children.

 

 

Giving Myself a Name

I knew I wanted to blog, as I had things to say, long before I came up with a name for it. Naming things is not as easy as it seems. You want to name it appropriately and try to make sure it won't be twisted around, or with naming children, you don't want them to be susceptible to bullying because of their name. My last name is pronounced "stain;" it is often mispronounced as "stine" or "steen." It was my ex-husband's last name, and I kept it because it is the same as my children's. It is South African, and there it is as common as Smith is here in the United States. When you have a last name that is an actual word, then you have to be careful about how things will be pronounced later on. For example, when we knew we were having a son as our second child, my ex suggested Phillip, which is a fine name, except I nixed any first names starting with the letter p. I did not want our son to one day be known as pee stain.

After I had my daughter and knew that I could not return to work at the library and leave her with some stranger, I started working all of these odd jobs. I kind of fell into the housecleaning about a year after she was born and I have been doing that ever since. My cleaning business is simply Heather's Housecleaning Service. My mom says she named me Heather simply because she liked the name. I like being named after a flower, as  I really love flowers and gardening.

I have my little Love and Logic business as well, but again I am just an Independent Love and Logic Facilitator. There are others out there who have catchy names like Head and Heart Parenting Classes (Shelly Moorman here in Denver), but I could not come up with anything as cute as that.

So when it came time to choose a blog name, I wanted it to be a good one. My sister had chosen Patchwork Pony because she makes these adorable stick horses. It suits her so well and I love it. I just could not think of something so inventive and interesting. We brainstormed many names one day together. I really liked MammaShine from that list to go with the mom and cleaning business, but there is already a MamaShine out there. I could have done the double m, to distinguish mine from hers, but that didn't seem like a huge distinction.

I went through all of the others on that list and other lists and checked them against other blogs. I had always thought that one day I might write a book of all my mom and business experience and call it The Business of Being a Mom, but again that one was already taken. Then I thought of This Mom's Business. It would work for me because no one else had already registered it. I also really like it because it is a bit of a play on words since I will be blogging about being a mom and having a business, plus it is about my personal business as well. So I guess now I can't say it's none of your business if I am going to post it on here for anyone to see! : )

Saint Anthony's Central Hospital

One of our area hospitals is moving this weekend from its location in Denver to Lakewood. To me it is not just a local hospital; it is THE hospital around here. Saint Anthony's Central was where my mom worked all of our growing up years, and now it is moving from its location near Sloan's Lake right into the backyard of where we lived during those years. It will be just minutes from the house where I was raised. My sister and I joked with our mom the other day about how great her commute would have been all of those years if it would have been where it will be now. My mom said that Saint Anthony's has been wanting to be along the major corridors for years and years. Now it will be along the busy and bustling and growing Sixth Avenue corridor.

The old building holds so many memories for me. My mom started out at the Saint Anthony's North campus, but moved to the Central location before too long back in the 70's. She worked as a floor nurse for many years on 4 West, which was a post surgical floor. I cannot even tell you all of the horrible stories she used to regale us with at dinner time. Conversations that were so not fit for the dinner table! She worked part time for a while on 2 West B, which was a cardiac unit. I remember when she was learning how to read the EEG printouts. Then she worked in utilization review, eventually becoming its manager. She worked under the doctor who was one of the team that started the whole Flight for Life program. Saint Anthony's was the first hospital in Denver to have helicopters to use for emergency services.

I worked there one summer when I was 15 as a volunteer; it must have been the summer of 1986 right before I turned 16. Yes, that's right, a candy striper. I wore the uniform and everything! The picture above is one from clip art. I don't even think I have any pictures of myself in that old uniform. Mine was actually striped, and I wore the white shoes. I am glad to not have a picture of that time with my big eighties girl mullet hair! I worked in the radiology department every Thursday. I mostly helped the receptionists with filing and looking up of information on the old microfiche system. Ocassionally I would take patients back to the changing rooms and tell them what to do before the radiologists came in to get them for their x-rays. My mom and I would have lunch together each of those days. It was a nice bonding experience with her.

I remember that before my volunteer time, they used to have smothered burritoes every Thursday. Sometimes in the summers or breaks from school, if my mom would have off on a Thursday, she would take us down to the hospital and we would have those burritoes. I remember them being so very good. I wonder if they will still serve them at the new hospital?? I don't think they have had smothered burrito Thursdays for a very long time!

My youngest sister, Nellie, was even born there. She had to stay in the NICU for ten days for pneumonia, GI bleeding, and jaundice. Those NICU nurses were so kind and caring!

Maybe someday my kids will want to volunteer or work there. It is much closer to us now, even though we don't live in that old Green Mountain neighborhood anymore, we are only about 15 minutes away from the new location. Godspeed to them this weekend as they move patients from the old to the new and open up the emergency room. And farewell to that big old building that holds so many memories for me and my family!

The new Saint Anthony's Central in Lakewood

The old Saint Anthony's Central in Denver off of Colfax and Sheridan