Is It Possible to Overcome all of My Childhood Trauma?

I read an article posted by a friend on Facebook, and it sent me into a bit of a tailspin today.

20 Things You Didn't Realize You Were Doing Because of Childhood Emotional Abuse by Juliette Virzi

My friend who posted it is a wonderful and sweet grown woman. But I know she suffered through some pretty traumatic childhood experiences, as have so many of us. Her message with her post was "The thing is, you can heal from it. I am."

I can answer yes or identify with #'s 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 10, 11, 12, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, and 20. That seems like a lot!

1."Apologizing for other people’s behavior, making excuses for them or trying to build a logical reason for why they behave the way they do."

2. "Overthinking. I overthink everything, and analyze your every word, every movement." (I literally drive myself to exhaustion overthinking things! But I cannot find a way to stop or make my mind relax about it.)

3. "I put tons of pressure on myself then fall to pieces when I cannot handle the unbearable load. I think I am supposed to be perfect even though I can’t be. I cannot deal with people verbally fighting."

4."Downplaying my own problems/struggles because I feel the need to help and ‘fix’ everyone else, and convincing myself my problems aren’t as bad/important."

5. "Bottling up everything and never really asking for help because I feel like a liability."

6. "Apologizing all the time. Being scared to do things because I feel like no matter how hard I try, I’ll get it wrong or disappoint someone."

10. "[I] make fun of my own emotions, call myself names when I’m acting emotional, blame myself, constantly apologize, panic when being yelled at, get upset and cry when confronted about confrontation, keep things like emotions to myself [and] have panic attacks when I hear people arguing in screaming matches."

11. "I push new people away before they have the opportunity to leave. I care about my close family so much that I put them all before myself. It’s mentally and physically exhausting."

12. "Always saying ‘yes,’ because if I say ‘no,’ I will feel like a bad girl."

14."When people raise their voice at me, I automatically shut down." (For me, this doesn't have to be physically yelling, but it can be quiet disappointment or disapproval that also causes shut down.)

15. "Being way too active when meeting new people, so they won’t realize I’m anxious."

16. "I immediately cave in any confrontation. As soon as a voice is raised, I lose all sense of confidence or backbone — like I’m being backed into a corner."

17. "Over-explain myself and talk really fast ..... and lose my cool when yelled at by men." (Again, this doesn't have to be actual yelling, but it can be any confrontation or disapproval by or from men that sends me into an immediate shut down mode.)

18. "Living my life being nearly unbearably lonely because I’ve found acceptance from so few and ridicule and betrayal from so many. I continue to work on accepting being lonely gracefully, but am in fact most of the time just trying to hide how lonely and hurt I am."

20. "I’m terrified of authority figures. I’m always worried I’m ‘in trouble’ for just existing. I’m an adult, and a tertiary-educated professional. I don’t get ‘in trouble.’ But the minute I have to talk to a manager at work, I feel like a naughty little kid trying to avoid getting grounded."

I recently posted a quote on Facebook by C.S. Lewis: "You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can change the ending."

I know so much of what happened to me as a child was out of my control, but sometimes I am crippled inside by my own demons and my own broken parts left over from those experiences, I wonder if I will ever truly be able to overcome those things.

The past year has been hard emotionally. A 6 year relationship ended. I've been trying to navigate the online dating world, which is an adventure in hope over experience. I had an issue at the end of last school year with a parent that left me questioning a lot about what I want to do with the rest of my life and if I really am a good person and teacher. I had an experience at karate that has left me feeling sad, and wondering what do I need to learn about myself to stop the pattern in my life where I feel like I am unappreciated and in trouble for just trying to help.

And last week, we were given a training at a team meeting on childhood trauma that brought so much of my own experiences to the surface again. We were given a 10 question survey that asked us to score childhood experiences that might have been traumatic. We were supposed to give ourselves a point for each one that we experienced. Some I just gave myself a half point because the question asked about frequency. Yet so many of those things only have to happen to you once in order for them to be one time too many. My total score was a 7 out of 10. The only thing I didn't answer anything to was whether I had a family member go to jail or not. Another team mate also scored fairly high. She contacted me afterwards feeling raw and questioning herself. I assured her that she was an amazing person who had overcome so much to become the successful adult she is. I said I wasn't ashamed of what had happened to me to warrant that high of a score, but after reading the article today, I was left questioning my own self evaluation and if I really have overcome some of those ghosts as well as I'd like to think.

I am not ashamed of my past. Like I said, as a child a lot of those things just happen to you and you really have no control over them. It's what I need to do with my present and my future that has me feeling a bit on the overly emotional side today. Reading this article really brought it to the surface where there were times during the day when I found myself inconsolably sobbing. It was irrational; I know.

I just don't know if I can get out of my own way sometimes and ever find happiness in the sense of sharing my life with someone else. I am fine with not being in a relationship. I know that I am a complete person all by myself. I would like, however, to have a friend and a confidant to share the next chapter with, but sometimes I wonder if I can do it. What if I have an actual nice guy in front of me and all these demons and broken just seem too much, too weird, too neurotic? What if I can't stop second-guessing myself? What if I can't get out of my own way? What if I can't relax into the situation enough to just let things happen and progress naturally? I know "what if's" are all rhetorical, and I am supposed to play them out to the end, which I can do. But the answer to all of these things is that in the end, I end up alone. Which again, is fine, but not desirable.

I am left today feeling raw and overly vulnerable and wondering if I will ever be able to have what I see others have in a healthy adult relationship. I would like to figure this out, but am not sure if I can. Yet, I will continue onward.

As usual writing my blog posts are really a form of therapy. It's my way of putting my thoughts out in front of me so that they stop eating me up from the inside out. Thanks, as always, for reading and providing feedback.

A Psychic Experience

Fred G and Wanda at a family party. These are my maternal grandparents that helped to raise me. I lived with them my first year while my mom finished nursing school. Fred was kind of a tough shell to crack, but apparently I was the one to crack it, and he lived out the rest of his days wrapped around my finger. Wanda was a fiesty lady, who loved her family and frequently spoke her mind.

For those of you who know me, you know I grew up fairly conservative and pretty fundamental. I don't really want to go into my religious beliefs fully today, although I will soon. However, I can suffice it to say, that I am more of a seeker and searcher these days than I once was.

In keeping with the seeking and the searching and the reading of Eat, Pray, Love, I had been thinking for a while that I wanted to see a psychic. I was scared and curious all at the same time. The upbringing voice in my head told me maybe I ought not to meddle in such things, but the seeking voice wanted to see what it might be about for me.

I told my guy about it. (My guy is yet another subject for another blog....) He found someone in the Yellow Pages online and began texting her, and over a period of about two weeks in which we made and cancelled and rescheduled appointments, we finally went to see her yesterday.

I had some questions on which I wanted some insight, but I was still pretty nervous, until I walked into her office. She looked like us. She didn't have strangely styled or colored hair or clothing. She almost could have been someone in my family; she just was part of my world and reality of people. I felt at ease.

I asked my guy to be there with me because you know how when you go to the doctor and he has to tell you something important you want a second set of ears to listen in case the doctor says a word like cancer and then that is the only word you heard the whole time? Well that was partly what I was afraid of happening. I wanted someone else there that could hear what I heard, although as you will see, my guy heard differently than me because I had my own internal dialog and work that I have been doing.

Anyway, the psychic, sat us down and asked me what I was curious about learning. I told her, but I am not ready to tell my readers just yet. The reason for the suspense is that it ended up being so detailed and covered several different topics that I want to write about each of them individually. I promise to keep writing about this. It is also a lot to process and I am a supreme processor, so some things I am actually not ready to share with the Internet!

She closed her eyes and said that she needed to tap into my energies. After a bit, she opened her eyes and said those that needed to be here were here. She said my energies were like a waiting room. Sometimes for people they appear as a board room or board of directors. I found it interesting that for me she said a waiting room because I would not need or want a group of people to direct me. She followed up the waiting room with the reason. She said they were in a waiting room because they don't always know what to say to give guidance or how to help. All I need to do from now on is to sit down and be quiet; they are there for me and whatever I hear or say first is what I should go with. When I second guess, is when it changes. I thought this was also very me. I do know that normally I should go with my gut. I find that if I start second guessing myself that is when I often times get into trouble. I also know that I am not good at asking others for help and often times it leaves my loved ones feeling helpless and in a holding pattern.

Throughout the session, she answered my other questions of which there were three main ones. After the first question was answered or explored, she asked if it was settled and the energy with which she was communicating said that it was. Just as she was about to begin with the second topic, she paused and said there was a grandmother that had something to say. She said this particular energy just piped up and wanted to let me know, "That I was doing a great job with the kids," at which point, I burst into tears!

I had already been crying some, but that just turned the flow to high! My mom's mom, whom I had lived with my first year of life, was so that woman who would just stand up and say what she had to say. Nothing else, just the one thing and then off she went to be a part of the collective. I have no doubt that Wanda stood up, said her peace, and sat back down. When I told my mom about this she, too, burst into tears. She said, "I could just see her saying, 'you tell that girl that she is a great mother!'"

For the other parts, different energies were speaking to my psychic. She said a couple of names had come to her, but others were just like a collective group. The grandmother that spoke up didn't wait for identification as to whose side of the family she was on, but I didn't need to have authentication. I knew immediately that would be Wanda.

For my first question, it was someone named Gordon. Today I found out who Gordon is, and I will share that story soon.

Another name, George, came up and she said that he didn't really have anything to say and he didn't say who he was, but just wanted his presence to be known. I picked up on the letter G myself. When I told my mom about this, she said of course, my grandfather Fred, her dad, who also raised me my first year of life, had the middle name of George. I had always just thought his middle name was G, just the letter G. Mom said it was George after his own dad, but he never wanted to acknowledge the name because his father had not been very good. Apparently George had been an alcoholic and had left the family when Fred was in sixth grade. That was why Fred never finished school, having to quit at the sixth grade and start supporting his mom and sister. My mom said it would be just like Fred G to be quiet like the George energy and just let his presence be known behind the scenes. I wrote in my Father's Day blog how much this particular grandfather means to me. I am very touched that he was there and confirmed what I have always known: that he is there every single day.

The final two parts of my session were not name or individual specific. She said it was like the collection of all the souls, or spirits, or energies were speaking as one. They said at any point I can ask anything and to trust my intuition.

My guy said to him it seemed vague, but I could see how that would be and it only confirms to me that the psychic was really tapped into me and my energies. The entire time I was having internal dialog with myself. I knew of what she was speaking each time. There was never a feeling of vagueness or well, that's not quite right. I always knew that she was tapped into my energies. This was not a fraud. This was not a fake. She was really communicating with them to me and through me.

I left there feeling like I know what to do next. I feel assured and very much not alone. She never told me what to do or exactly what my future holds because she can't and honestly that wasn't what I was looking for. There is still free will and no one or no thing can know the future, but I can know and do know that I am always surrounded by those that I love, living or passed on. I feel more spiritually connected rather than less or that I did something wrong, more assured in my beliefs in God, and the world which we cannot see but is there because we believe it is there, and because we exercise faith. It is a world of grace and love. And I am grateful to God that I was allowed a glimpse.